Due to recent harrowing circumstances in my personal life I had not planned to go out for New Year’s Eve. I decided instead to purchase a middling bottle of wine and a little girl’s toy tiara and to prance around my living room pretending to be happy. But then, my secret lover called to see how I was holding up . . . [the “secret” being that we are not lovers as he is g-a-y]. After much sniffling on both sides with regard to my recent personal tragedy, we dragged ourselves onto other subjects. When I mentioned that I was going to buy the plastic tiara he was horrified and threatened to end our friendship for at least a month if I went ahead.

Yesterday afternoon on New Year’s Eve I received a surprise visit from my secret lover, who was grinning and bearing my belated Xmess gift . . . Yes, my very own beautiful sparkly, “real” tiara! How could I stay home on NYE when I had this beauty burning its way into my conscience?

Despite my begging him NOT to take photos of me with dark circles of grief shadowing my eyes he bullied me in a very effeminate manner to just do his bidding! Or else he wouldn’t fix the mess I’d made of my hair.

Now, there’s a reason why I no longer pose for other people; it’s called “feeling REALLY self-conscious”. Well, that and I’m a control freak and don’t respond well to being given orders. Right about here I had been told to “Put your right hand … NO, YOUR OTHER RIGHT!!” which resulted in my banging my wrist-bone on something and the photo being snapped as I looked down to see what was there.

Feel free to insert your own “knob” jokes here.

Which led to a fit of giggling. His, of course, not mine. OK, mine as well. And then I teared-up just a little because I haven’t laughed in so long . . . and then he threatened to make me look fat in the next shot if I didn’t pull myself together.

Um, stand like an Egyptian?

“Oh”, I said, “I feel like a princess!” “Well”, he tartly responded in that manner that only truly fabulous gay men can do, “that’s because you ARE a princess . . . but don’t ever forget that *I* am the QUEEN!” Then he slapped me on the arse and sent me off to myPub™ while he skipped away to see his real lover.

So, there you have it, completely unretouched snapshots with no professional lighting. Awesome aren’t they? *cringe* and yet, I am still affixing my copyright statement!

As for New Year’s Resolutions, I resolved that each of my smoker friends would quit within 24 hours; each of the overweight ones would finally start exercising and dieting; and each of my mentally-ill friends would take their damn medication. That way if any of them fail then they are the no-willpower slob and not me.

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