Get Your Ego Out of My Face!
You might want to have your big-girl panties ready because some of this is going to seem harsh even though it is not intended to be harsh. I could have sworn I had been crystal clear regarding my stance with male friends but in the past week my boundaries have been abused by three different guyfriends. All of whom I still care about and, at the moment, all of whom I still wish to keep as friends. However, it is very frustrating to have to constantly restate and reinforce my boundaries, although I realise that is probably not going to change so I’ll step into my own big-girl undies [and probably photograph the event].
Yet again, I have been put into a position where I feel that I am expected to apologise for hurting somebody’s feelings after they had relentlessly pursued a conversational topic that clearly crossed the comfort zone for me. Here’s a reality check: my father is presently 69 years old. I am simply not attracted to older men; I am not attracted to fat guys either; nor men with dark complexions; nor midgets. None of us can control what does or does not appeal to us. I have several guyfriends who insist on trying to flirt with me and it really makes me squirm. But I am not allowed to just tell them that, I have to be nice in order to avoid hurting their feelings even though they are stomping all over my feelings. I know a lot of you fellas like to pretend that five inches are really eight, but please do not try to stretch the inch of friendship that I am offering into a foot of sexual innuendo. I do not play well with others unless I have voluntarily agreed to participate beforehand.
Why do some of you base your self-esteem on what somebody else thinks of you? I understand we all need to have our egos balmed, but it would benefit you to remove your “super-ego” from the friendship equation. Especially if you suspect in any way that your pursuit of the subject matter could lead to an ego-bruising when the other person is clearly unresponsive or uncomfortable. In other words, if you are going to attempt to pursue a questionable line of so-called humour that you know may well cause me discomfort, then you are automatically forfeiting your right to be offended by my response, if any. What you start, I will finish . . . one way or another . . . and you don’t get to control the outcome. The problem is oftentimes that men simply take things too far. Give them the slightest sign of lack of discouragement and they take that as a signal to keep pestering. Which then puts me in a position of either having to abruptly nip things in the bud, and thus look uptight, or to pretend to be amused, and look like a tease.
It’s not like *I* have never been on the painful end of unrequited attraction. I have had my share of rejections and when I am cut I do not bleed ice-water. However, I have learned not to wear a red dress on a day when I am planning to cross the path of a bull. Just because you are attractive does not mean that everybody is going to be attracted to you. I certainly do not expect ALL men to be attracted to me! Why, there are plenty of men who are not attracted to me, among them are gay men, blind men, and David Andrews from junior high school. All men are not created equal and I am not an equal opportunity enterprise. I can and do discriminate and will continue to do so. If you are a male under 30 or over 50, if you are married or otherwise taken, if you are bald, short, fat, extra-tall, under 5″ or over 7″, if you have bipolar disorder, or if there is anything else about you that does not appeal to me, then please consider yourself to be outside of my romantic preferences. Deal with it.
When I say to you “Hey, you want to stop by for a drink?” I do not mean “Come into my private residence and hump my leg.” I should not have to tell you “This is NOT an offer of sex!” and I most certainly do not mean “Go ahead and try anyway.” I am at the point where I have an unhealthy aversion towards inviting any male friends into my home, and an equal reluctance to be alone with them at their own place. Even guyfriends who I may have been romantically involved with in the distant past still think they have some kind of free pass to take another shot at me. Guys, I like you as friends, nothing more. The last time I checked, the word “friend” indicated a platonic relationship. I do not give additional “benefits” to friends, my friendship is plenty enough. If you need friendly attention, call or email me. If you need sexual attention, call a 900-number, or go to a strip club, or call your girlfriend. I am just not receptive to your attempts at flirtation.
In the meantime, enjoy the photos and articles but for the love of Zeus, do NOT take them as an invitation of any kind. If I ever want to have sex with you, you’ll find me sitting on your face . . . but, for the record, it is just not going to happen. Ever. Period. Full stop.
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On an entirely unrelated note, have I ever told you that my lower eyelashes are translucent? Not even blonde. They are completely invisible until I put on mascara. I’m sneaking this in here because I didn’t know where else to put it. As the priest said to the choirboy.
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May 25th, 2007 at 1:49 pm
I second that emotion !!!!!!!!!!!! I couldn’t have put it better myself, and I thank you for taking the time to read my mind and put it into words!!
May 25th, 2007 at 2:16 pm
I have found that my friendliness is often mistaken for a dire thirst for manchowder. Nothing could be further from the truth. Well, okay, I, being a healthy, normal woman, do wish at times that I had someone to take care of some…ahem…”business”…but direct eye contact in combination with a friendly smile does *not* mean I’ve selected YOU, old-ass coworker, or YOU, married production director…or YOU, long-in-tooth mack artist disguised as a clergyman. (Man of God my FOOT!) It’s universal…when you respond the wrong way, they get hurt. Just this morning, the aformentioned production director tried to move my hair and place his mouth on my NECK…and when rebuffed, he pouted. Fuck a bag full of that! I don’t want your SPIT on my neck! I’M NOT ATTRACTED TO YOU! SOAK IT UP! …..oops. Ranting. Sorry to hog up your comments, DK. You struck a nerve today!
May 25th, 2007 at 2:25 pm
Hahahahahahaha… I had another comment, but I read the choirboy comment and totally forgot it.
May 25th, 2007 at 2:27 pm
Reminds me of a movie with Billy Crystal saying that guys and girls cannot be friends because they (the guys) always want to … you know. LOL
Stay strong darlin!
May 25th, 2007 at 3:23 pm
See, now if you were fat like me men wouldn’t give you the time of day. Problem solved!
May 25th, 2007 at 4:14 pm
Yeah, I absolutely hate it when women try to have sex with me all the damn time.
Oh wait. That hasn’t happened to me. Ever.
I wish I could empathize… REALLY… I wish I could.
May 25th, 2007 at 4:33 pm
In response to “get YOUR ego out of MY faceâ€
All I can say is, you poor thing. All those guys outside your BOX wanting to get in. Jeez it must be difficult being a beautiful, sexy, intelligent and witty female.
I’m with you all the way girl! In fact, I haven’t a clue why any of those guys outside your guidelines would fantasize about you as a potentially interesting sexual encounter. You do always dress provocatively. You do have a rather off color wit. And yes you are a smart er….person. I wonder why they continuously pick up the wrong signals.
I mean what do you suppose gives them the idea that you would be accessible in any manner other than perhaps interesting conversation or as an audience for the usual self-centered accolades?
I don’t get it! But as we know, it takes all kinds.
My guess is that the dilemma will continue to plague your existence for years to come. At least until your guidelines change which seems to happen as we gain experience and or OK…just get older.
Hang in there.
May 25th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
Yeah… I already know that none of this applies to me… so anyway… wanna come over and “play cards”…
I am ALWAYS the exception to the rule
May 25th, 2007 at 4:49 pm
FriendOSam: dearest, I know that everything you just said was simply because you fall outside of my age-range preference . . . and yet, I still agreed to a dinner date with you quite some time ago and we both had a nice time. We have since been friends and the last I knew, you were happily “taken”. So, why the defensiveness?
To the contrary, I don’t “always dress provocatively” and, much like rape victims of the past, how I dress does not mean I am “asking for it”. Having a sense of humour and ability to share it also is not an invitation to hit on me. There are no wrong signals being broadcast and as you have spent time with me in person, you, of all people, should know that there is nothing in my demeanour that says “bring it on!” If a person chooses to interpret my friendliness as an invitation then, clearly, that is THEIR perception and not MY reality. Older guys get SO defensive when a younger woman chooses not to date them; and yet younger men don’t get defensive when an older woman chooses not to date them. Instead, they accept the friendship that is potentially offered instead. Thank heaven the younger generations have a more open perception than the generation ahead of mine.
Bottom line: if I am friends with a man then I expect him to respect the boundaries of friendship and not to disrespect me in any way.
May 25th, 2007 at 4:52 pm
Barry: NONE of that applies to you? What about the “over 7 inches” part?
May 25th, 2007 at 5:00 pm
I stand by what I said… even though I am “Too big for this ride”… I am still allowed to partake… hence… the rules don’t apply to me… HA! I am still king!
Ladies… The line forms to the left… please be patient as this is NOT a limited time offer.
May 25th, 2007 at 5:02 pm
I’m obviously on a roll………….and have a million things to do other than bother you with my curiosity, but ……I’m very curious how those fortunate creatures whom you do decide to grace with your physical affections react when they find you “sitting on their face�
I for one would be very startled as I am a firm believer in foreplay and can’t imagine anyone doing that without at least a kiss. Er… on the lips….er …on the face.
I must admit that the “sitting on my face†position is not one of my favorites even after ample foreplay. I find it extremely difficult to breathe in that position and though I seldom complain, I try to negotiate an alternate position at the first available opportunity. Hopefully before suffocation. Surely one would realize that the mouth and the nose are in close proximity and some caution must be exercised to leave at least one of them available for an occasional gulp of ……….AIR.
I know this is only one mans perspective and I could be alone in my thinking and experience, but I would like to know if a female recognizes the potential hazards that accompany this approach.
Do they come back for more? Ever?
May 25th, 2007 at 5:06 pm
Friend0Sam… I find that keeping a snorkel near at hand is helpful for these situations… I’m just sayin’
May 25th, 2007 at 5:14 pm
Gottcha Barry…I’ve actually graduated to an oxygen bottle….BUT the physiological facts remain………….its more about consideration…..
May 25th, 2007 at 5:16 pm
Ladies: Barry is one of my ex-boyfriends and an awesome guy … if you can handle the … uh … overage in the package department.
FriendOSam: Actually, as usual I was using exaggeration for humour purposes … I am NOT a fan of facial sitting. Mostly because I am too damn lazy. Or too old to keep the weight on my bent legs so my partner can breathe.
May 25th, 2007 at 5:23 pm
She actually prefers to lay back and give directions… lower… errrrr… higher… errrrr… a little to the left…. AHHHHHHHH…. PURRFECT!!!
May 25th, 2007 at 5:39 pm
Ah, kinda like “Drivers Education” I know the type.
May 25th, 2007 at 5:44 pm
Hey Barry, or should I say BIG BOY….I hope you get lucky from the addy.
May 25th, 2007 at 6:02 pm
Naw… won’t happen… but thanks for the luck anyway… enjoy the long weekend everyone
May 25th, 2007 at 6:12 pm
I like you and always have. Though I seldom comment, I read your Bolg regularly and am sure I will be proud to say that I know you when you are published and become a “STARâ€. I direct people (women mainly) to your Blog all the time because I respect and admire your writing and creative ability.
With that said, I will add that I am “put off†by your willingness to list your criterion and guidelines of acceptance as it relates to the opposite sex and sex. Its not the criterion, but your audacity to “bitch†about being sought after that gets on my nerves. I will also openly admit to being defensive about my age, you will be too….when you get here…hehehehe. Trust me on this. It will happen.
What you do not GET is that my comments are not about YOU as it relates to ME. You are correct we are friends as you mentioned and though you probably won’t believe this I do not obsess about having sex with you. I actually don’t think about it at all. Well except when you mention it in your Blog. OK I think about it every day, BUT its not about you. I digress………..the point is that I’m calling “BS†for all the men who have had the privilege of being in your presence….You do dress provocatively most of the time and you flirt like you invented it. So getting your panties all twisted about suitors not getting the correct message is simply not valid. Admit it………the fact is you like it. You like the attention. You like knowing that you appear sexy. And you like bitching about men acknowledging it in the form of “Hitting on Youâ€. I submit that you know exactly how they are going to respond and would be disappointed if they did not………which will also happen when you fall out of the criterion the upcoming “younger generation†adopts as it applies to older women. I expect that will probably happen somewhere around the age of 90 for you. Unfortunately, I won’t be around to witness that (as I am already an old fart) but it will happen and you won’t like it. Trust me on this too.
Men are form Mars and they keep women thinking that they are desirable long past the time that it really applies. Our lower brain is in control most of the time. The problem with that is that women on the other hand outlast us in every category of love, sex, and romance and therein lies the problem. Neither of us can really satisfy the others needs. It’s a total compromise in it best state with glimpses of hope that get us from one encounter to another.
OK, I promise No more lengthy replys.
I’m gonna get stoned/drunk. ……….have a nice weekend everyone!
May 25th, 2007 at 6:32 pm
FriendOSam: you are cracking me up … thank you. I think you missed the point that I am not complaining about getting attention OR about getting hit on by *suitors*. I don’t want to be hit on by friends — of either gender or of any age. By way of a reminder or two … on our dinner date I wore a pretty but conservative dress (and you didn’t hit on me at all). At your poker party I dressed provocatively because you asked me to as I was your paid hostess (and didn’t get hit on at all). At your photo shoot I wore conservative black trousers and a loose-fitting, high-necked red sweater (the only person who hit on me was your date . . . just kidding). You have seen me three times in the past two years, so how you can claim to know how I dress “most of the time” is beyond me. Unless you are stalking me? if you are, perhaps we could car pool? that way, you can see for yourself that I dress like a nun for work. As to your statements about how I feel, I can assure you that NOBODY but me and a few dust bunnies live in my head … so nobody KNOWS how I feel. If you need any further clarification regarding my wardrobe, please ask Barry. He has known me for ten years and has spent masses of time with me in person. Poor bahstud.
OK … I’m bored with this now so I’ll start work on my next article.
May 25th, 2007 at 6:45 pm
Hehehe…Ok I give up………..
BTW, both of those girls came home with me from the photoshoot. The one you were referring to as my girlfriend (don’t know where you got that) who was hitting on you was simply extemding an invitation to join us. It was simply a “courtesy hit”.
Keep up the good work….I love your stuff.
May 25th, 2007 at 6:50 pm
And…you forget that we originally met at what you refer to as “My Pub” in your Blog (I think). So I have seen you in every form of slinky sexy revealing outfit rubbing against various patrons “friendsâ€. You do seem to dress down when around me. Should I feel insecure?
May 26th, 2007 at 11:40 am
DK,
I am a long-time lurker and I wanted to throw out a little comment on this…
Women have sex when they want to…Men have sex when they can…
And I think that is why men are always panting after us…hope springs eternal.
~
And yes, I know I have an unnatural love of typing three dots (…
Syn_ack89
May 26th, 2007 at 1:24 pm
FriendOSam: I adore you, truly I do. And furthermore, I thank you for proving my point. Even though I think you might have missed MY point which was that I am not receptive to certain* male friends trying to “talk dirty” to me, let alone trying to have sex with me.
*Why, yes, I CAN pick and choose what I discuss and with whom!
It genuinely amused me that you are one of my more attractive guyfriends who has actually always been a gentleman to me and yet you argued on the opposite side! Funny man. Now allow me to reiterate some points:
1. This is MY website and I will write about whatever I damn well please.
2. Regardless of how I may dress, that is not an invitation for anything but to enjoy the eye candy. I’m probably going to age overnight before too much longer, so enjoy it while you can.
3. According to several nationwide surveys I have read, when posed the question “If a member of the opposite sex is friendly towards you, what do you think they really mean?” women almost-always responded “I would think he was being friendly.” While men almost-always responded “I would think she was coming-on to me.”
I rest my case.
Syn_ack: nice to see you are hanging in here with me. I love your three dots … and thank you for your support.
May 27th, 2007 at 7:01 pm
Don’t worry, I move slowly. The handholding phase will pass soon.
May 28th, 2007 at 12:21 am
FriendOSam: You’re acting like a douche.
DanjerusKurves: I adore the hell out of you and everything you had to say in this entry. You win at life!