Some of you may remember a recent incident in which my Evil Valet Key was kidnapped by aliens and taken forcibly to live in an alternate universe.

I did, in fact, replace the Evil Valet Key with a shiny new set of twins. Contrary to my earlier bravado, however, I was not able to simply flounce into Wal-Mutt and get a new key. I had to actually drive to three different stores before the nice man at Home Depot could fulfill my needs. Oh, and he made me keys too. Despite the new twins, I continued to habitually glance surreptitiously around the interior of my car, Zippy, in a highly casual “I’m-not-still-looking-for-that-key” manner. Unfortunately, Zippy continued to outsmart me by repeatedly moving the Evil Key from one brilliant hiding place to another. Now and then just to tease me she would cause the illusion of a fake little flash of light upon metal. She obviously knows how I feel about Shiny Things. But no sooner would I commit whiplash upon myself by turning to look than she would snicker and go back to acting like a perfectly normal car and not an alien vortex. And thus it went on for several weeks in this fashion. Until The Day I Was Reunited With The Evil Key. It was definitely a paranormal experience. Completely out of the blue, the key appeared magically out of nowhere, literally hanging in mid-air. Well, if mid-air is two inches off the floor. It hung there for a split second, spun in the air for a bare moment with the sunlight glinting off it as though it were the most precious of jewels. It was quite beautiful and brought a tear to my eye for that fleeting moment of reunion. Then, at approximately the speed of something slower than light, but still pretty fast, this huge triangular-headed snake-like alien lunged into my car and with a loud sibilant roar it swallowed the key!!! In less than a second the Evil Key simply vanished before my very eyes. Again. Vanished from sight. It was like it had just been sucked into a black hole. I was absolutely stunned. I thought perhaps I was hallucinating or experiencing a brain aneurysm. I mean, it’s not like this sort of otherworldly experience happens every day. So, I turned to the person next to me at the car wash to ask if they witnessed the phenomenon and just then my vacuum hose shuddered and ceased all suction as it ran out of quarters …

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Q: Did you think about incorporating a scene where you get sprayed down with soapy water causing your white tank top to cling to your perky breasts … and then you tumble to the ground covered in bubbles and roll around wrestling with the hose as it slithers between your legs…?
A: No.

Current Mood: blonde

This entry was posted on Wednesday, March 30th, 2005 at 8:17 am and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.