As some of you may have noticed, above my boobs and below my face there is this thing called a “neck”. In my case, my neck is rather long and elegant and swan-like . . . OK OK, it actually looks more like a midget giraffe in X-rays. In the immortal words of an orthopedist, my neck is “lovely from an aesthetic perspective but bad news from a potential injury viewpoint”. Having experienced several neck injuries over the years from the hair-flipping days of the 70s, to the head-banging days of the 80s, to the various [skydiving-automotive-marathon sex] accidents of the 90s, I eventually had to add neck exercises to my work-out programme. Generally, I get my cardio out of the way in the mornings and then *try* to do my weight-training and abs in the evenings. For the past several weeks I have been working the second shift at my temp job. It is truly wonderful in that I do not have to wake up while it is still dark outside and I do not have to endure rush-hour traffic. However, my body and brain are still on “first shift time”; meaning that while I have a later wake-up time, I still suffer from insomnia, and I still get really tired in the evenings. Also, certain of my friends have this bizarre idea that I have “extra hours” in my day because I do not “have to get up in the morning!” To the contrary, it truly feels as though I have *less* non-work time because I get home so much later and then my brain still turns to mush at around first-shift-time.

Due to this weird time warp, I have been slacking badly on my evening exercises, especially the neck exercises. This past Sunday, fully knowing better, I “caught up” on my missed neck workouts. For the past four days, I have been walking around with searing neck pain and vicious muscle spasms when I turn my head. I have always wanted to experiment with drugs and this seemed to be my big chance. I had precisely one Vicodin in my possession that was left over from my last boob-job surgery [the rest had been given away for charitable purposes, and by “charitable” I mean “to shut certain people up”]. I gulped down the Vicodin, a muscle relaxant, AND a Xanax . . . washed it all down with a triple-vodka-tonic. IT DID NOT HELP THE PAIN!!! I have always been a little arrogant regarding my high pain threshold, it is incredibly rare that I will take so much as a Tylenol, but I will admit right here and now that I broke down and cried in the shower a couple of days ago due to the sheer brutality of the pain. I also had to call in sick to work which made me cry again because I do not get paid for sick days while working temp. For the past few days, I have begun holding my head stiffly in the forward-looking position, thus giving myself an elegant resemblance to Frankenstein’s Bride. This just so happens to make driving especially scary as I am a compulsive bobble-headed shoulder-checker when changing lanes. I suspect that I have given myself a case of “mild” whiplash but even if I had the money I would not go to the doctor because what could he do for me? Put a bolt on either side of my neck?

If this keeps up, the only thing Danjerus about these Kurves will be the risk of my breaking a hip. I shall some day be advertising for an heir to purchase this domain. Meantime, I have reserved “danjerusonlytoherself.com”.

Now if you will excuse me, due to the neck pain, I have been slacking on my morning cardio workouts so I need to go catch-up …

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This entry was posted on Friday, July 27th, 2007 at 1:55 pm and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.