Do you ever have one of those days where you just cannot resist the urge to splurge? No, I am not talking about masturbation, we all know that is impossible to resist. I am referring to spending a chunk of money that you really cannot afford to spend. Money that you do not actually have in the bank, nor do you have it available on a credit card or five, nor are you in a position to borrow the money. And yet, you still find yourself sticking your neck out and signing your name to yet another promise to pay back, oh say, somewhere between $700 and $1000.

I had one of those days yesterday. In all honesty, I do not even know exactly how much I spent! No kidding! Basically, I just said “Bill me for whatever amount you see fit!” It was frightening just how easy it was for me to plummet hundreds of dollars further into debt. Granted, some of what I purchased has already disappeared, but, before you judge me, I would like to point out that I still have something to show for my outlay.

Not only did I get to hang out in the emergency room with other sniveling wimps, I also got several shots of lidocaine in my neck. In addition, I have this beautiful and fashionable neck collar. PLUS a sexy plastic bracelet with my very own name on it in case I forget who I am due to the additional Vicodin and Valium prescriptions that I am swallowing faster than Piss Hilt0n swallows meat popsicle.

In my usual inimitable style, I do not have a specific diagnosis. It could be that I slept at an awkward angle a week ago and caused the original agonising pain on the right side of my neck. It could also be that I strained something while working out. Furthermore, it could be a “mild viral infection”. Regardless, my neck started feeling better around Friday of last week. On Saturday I started having some discomfort in my left trapezius. By Sunday the vicious stabbing muscle spasms had traversed to the left side of my neck, apparently to pay me back for the unconscious compensating that I did in a vain attempt to take some of the load from the right side. Must be the weight of my huge brain.

While collecting my recreational goodies prescriptions at the pharmacy, the kid behind the counter asked me “How are you doing today?” To which I responded “How do I LOOK like I am doing?” Luckily he was a cutie so we both laughed.

The ER doctor either told me not to drink alcohol with the medicines or to drink lots of it. By the time I got home, I did not remember which it was. So, I decided to err on the side of caution and only consume vodka with the Vicodin and Valium. Which caused me to have the hellacious munchies. One would think that having one’s neck in a soft cotton noose would discourage one from pigging-out, but no, I am a medical miracle. Besides, one of the prescriptions said both “Take at bedtime” AND “Take with food”. It did not say anything about watching a lot of Twilight Zone, but I did that anyway in my V+V+V haze.

Should you ever find yourself in this type of situation, I have only one piece of advice: do not sneeze.

I should be back in a day or three with what passes as a more coherent post.

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, July 31st, 2007 at 1:39 pm and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.