Dear Oldest Nephew and teenage twin Nephew and Niece [age before beauty, boys],

I thought about sending each of you a separate letter, but since I have basically the same thing to say to each of you, I decided on a “group discount” approach. You may have noticed that I have not been around for the traditional family Sunday lunch roasts . . . for your entire lives. That is because I had to leave England to avoid going to prison in order to fulfill my destiny of exciting adventures such as: skydiving, eating sushi, meeting many strange foreigners, spending much of my time barely surviving poverty, and repeatedly answering the question “What part of England are you from?” As of this year I have decided that you are no longer allowed to pretend that I do not exist! I am a part of this family and by Jove you are going to have to deal with me. All decent families should have a nutty aunt who lives in the attic with 4 or so kats, talks to herself a lot, and spells “cat” with a “K”. My “attic” just happens to be America.

I truly wish we could have gotten to know each other while you were growing up. I feel that we have all missed out on a splendid opportunity for Auntie Julia to corrupt your youthful minds. Kind-of like Auntie Maureen and Auntie Joyce did for your Mum and me when we were growing-up.

I promise you that from now on I will try to be the Auntie that I should have been for the past years. The one who tries to embarrass you in front of your friends, who swears at the wrong moment, who dresses inappropriately for her age. Eventually, I plan to sit at the family dinner table and “accidentally” forget that I am not wearing my dentures. I will break wind and blame it on the dog. Even though there is not a dog within half a mile. I will flirt equally with the 90-year old postman and the 18-year old milkman to the mutual horror of all. Who knows, perhaps I will marry one of your Mum’s ex-husbands and then I could be your “Auntie Mum”!

I appreciate you all having been born on the same day. While this places a slight financial strain on me, at the same time I can plan ahead by about 10 years . . . and I only have to remember one birthday. I hope you all enjoy your birthday presents. Some people might say they are an attempt to buy your affection. To those people, I would say “Their affection is worth considerably more than these token gifts!”. Then I would kick them in the shins and run away really fast.

I want you all to know that even though I have been away for a very long time, I have thought of you thousands of times. I do not love you any less for not having been able to meet you in person just yet . . . true love is felt in the wallet heart, not in the body. Besides, I am going to need somebody to support me in my old age.

Oldest Nephew, now that you are old enough to know better, I would be delighted beyond belief if you would write to me. I am assuming that unlike your mother some people you have joined the 21st Century and have email? Naturally, you are not obligated in any way to write to me . . . however, if you do not then when I finally get home for a visit, which I am hoping will be next year, you will have to deal with five feet of Mad Auntie in person. Your choice …

Remember folks, the most precious gift in life is a warped sense of humour. Well, that and a Mad Auntie safely locked away in the attic.

It’s a dirty job, but I have every intention of continuing to be the Black Sheep in this family.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 14th, 2007 at 11:39 am and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.