After a year-long experiment with voluntary celibacy during which I went on approximately four dates all told, I have begun seeing a new Flavour of the Month somebody recently. He is a very nice man and about as sharp as a bowling ball — which happens to suit my needs right now. Don’t judge. Also, don’t anybody get excited because I have absolutely no intention of keeping this guy around for any longer than my short attention span allows. Especially as it is very trying to have to explain my jokes in slow motion. I am sure you can figure out for yourselves that it is not his brain that is momentarily snaring my attention. In reality, I would not be in the least bit surprised if he is already history by the time this article goes to press! . . . I share this intimate little tidbit about my romantic life merely in order to share the following story.

Saturday night of last weekend, I bent the rules a shade and allowed the Flavour to take me on a dinner date in public. Don’t get me wrong, he’s not hard on the eyes, but he is loud and he talks nonstop about anything and nothing. Literally. When he calls me, I either switch to the speakerphone or I just set down the phone itself and go about my business and every ten minutes or so I pick it up and say “Mm hm” and set it down again. I don’t want people to get used to seeing me with him because I don’t want to deal with the flood of “Where’s your boyfriend?” questions that inevitably occur after I dispose of the body parts end a relationship. Fortunately, I have a fair number of guyfriends with whom I am seen regularly in public, so it is really a waste of time for anybody to try to guess who’s the lucky guy. Or was.

I happen to really like Hawaiian shirts and since this lovely man has all the dress-sense of an engineer, I gently asked him if he would mind wearing one for our date. Dinner was quite pleasant and he even managed to let me get in a good dozen words at one point. He also managed not to slop food on himself and to chew with his mouth closed — unlike some of my past, smarter dates. After dinner, we proceeded to myPub™ whereupon we joined some friends of mine at their table. Instantly, without missing a beat, one of the ladies asked me “So, are you two dating?” For once, it was me and not the Flavour who was left floundering while trying to come up with a suitable answer that would neither encourage such an idea nor insult the poor guy, because, really, he IS very sweet and treats me very well. I just feel awful when my brain rips ahead of his by about 100mph because I don’t want to hurt his feelings by getting impatient. Again, before you judge, the girl who asked if we were dating, and who I have simply never heard say one single negative word about anybody, listened to my date for approximately five minutes and then quietly said to me “He’s really cute but he’s just too dumb for you.” I then glanced at her boyfriend [who is a dear friend of mine] and we both giggled and she said “Maybe being the smarter one isn’t such a bad thing!” [I am SO going to get in trouble for making fun of the guys.]

As it happened, her boyfriend was also wearing a very spiffy Hawaiian shirt and not long after we sat down, a third friend clad in a Hawaiian shirt joined us. It was all very festive, pretty much the only thing missing was an apple-gagged-spit-roasted pig — not counting the fat chick in the corner who was bursting out of her way-too-small dress. So, we’re all minding our own business and getting along when some random stranger sitting at the bar and wearing a college football t-shirt from a rival State decided to pipe-up with some inane sports remarks. Naturally, my date had to deflect the ruffian’s idiotic remarks with a few pithy jabs of his own. Which led to the stranger making a crack about Hawaiian shirts. What was I supposed to do? I couldn’t just stand by and not defend my taste in shirts the guy who had just paid for my dinner and drinks . . .

Much to the hilarity of my friends and the immediate silencing of the stranger, “Well”, I quipped, “at least HE’s getting lei’d tonight!”

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This entry was posted on Tuesday, October 16th, 2007 at 8:44 am and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.