Crayolas and the Great White Boss
Contrary to popular misconception, I do more during my work days than send out boatloads of personal emails, write brilliantly witty essays, and engage in cyber-sex. As a Highly Trained Professional Legal Assistant I also get to draft various and sundry official-looking legal documents. I then hand them to BossMan with a simple explanation along the lines of: “I’m not sure if I’m on the right track with this here fancysoundingthing. Could you please review it and get back to me? Oh, and if you wouldn’t mind containing your hysterical laughter until I get back to my closet office, I’d really appreciate it.” BossMan is actually quite good at holding off on the guffaws, but I usually catch a glimpse of his patented shit-eating grin spreading across his face as I saunter barefoot out of his office. After taking a suitable moment to compose himself, he reaches for the box of Crayolas that I allow him to play with when clients are not present. About a day or so later something resembling an explosion at the crayon factory lands in my In Box.
You’ll note the artistic rendering in the use of multiple colours. BossMan fully understands the importance of not colouring inside the lines. In employing this diarrhea of the pen he is oftentimes able to leave no trace of white paper. His handwritten “edits” go in every direction of the compass, sometimes sideways, sometimes upside down. I think he’s working on inside out. To add to the chills and thrills, he will put little “X’s” at the end of a sentence. I then have to hunt for the corresponding X in the matching colour, which can be located just about anywhere on the page. Including on the back-side of the paper. The second X begins a follow-on to the preceding area of handwriting. It’s like a treasure hunt, only far more fun. How this illegible gibberish ends up as legally-binding text continues to escape me.
August 8th, 2005 at 12:38 pm
(Comments copied over from LiveJournal):
Andy
2005-04-29 17:41
Dear Ms. Curves,
What have I said about posting confidential legal documents on the internet? I thought you learned your lesson when you posted your butt pics on rickscafe@diaryland.com.
Regards
The management
danjeruskurves
2005-04-29 17:45
Ha! I *did* learn my lesson, but not until after I posted a photo of Mr. Buzzy on http://www.ratemyschlong.com … as it happens, if you look really REALLY closely at the photo, you’ll see that I redacted the client’s name, the document name, and some other telltale details. “Redacted”, of course, is legalese for “slobbered with white-out”.
Andy
2005-04-29 18:07
Still, I think it’s in bad taste to post my restraining order on the web.
danjeruskurves
2005-04-29 18:12
Oops, I *meant* to post those photos of you in the leather restraints! Speaking of bad taste, could you please wash your nuts before the next time I blow you?
yeahimadork
2005-04-29 18:12
Ugh… that shit would make me CRAZY. Unfortunately for me, I am usually the one around here who has to proof other people’s crap. Funny how the one without a college degree and earns the least is the only with basic grammar, punctuation, and spelling skills.
Hoar.
danjeruskurves
2005-04-29 19:43
Well, being the warped little hoar that I am …. it amuses the hell out of me!
(Anonymous)
2005-04-29 19:41
I think I worked for him.No, wait. I didn’t. I was a legal assistant for a WOMAN who COMPOSED her legal docs that way, complete with artistic swirls, badly xeroxed research quotations, and pages of words with no discernable punctuation marks. My job was to make it sound like it wasn’t written by a third-grader on too much ritalin. And, as a side note…I pretty much grew up in Houston.
PS-This is GoingLoopy from Diaryland…one of Andria’s buddies.
danjeruskurves
2005-04-29 19:46
Well hullo dahling … and welcome to the dark side! You’re on my stalking list so you’ll be seeing me pop up in your comments before too much longer.
I sincerely hope she drew little circles over her i’s and added smiley faces at random points. Personally, I never really grew up, but I was raised in England.
lawless1
2005-04-29 19:58
Oh suck it up, woman! I deal with crayola markings on a daily basis. Not to mention I’m still wiping poopy butts (besides my own) and trying to convince my “boss” that it is NOT okay to whip out the minkie on the school playground.
Dear god help me now.
P.S. LOVED the pic of Andy with the rubber dick up his ass…
danjeruskurves
2005-04-29 20:48
I *like* boys who whip out their minkies (as long as the minkie is bigger than a 4-year olds)! Also, I found a way to stop boys from pulling up my skirt to look at my panties … I quit wearing panties.
wombatcity
2005-04-29 23:44
I used to get English papers that were like that, filled with tons of corrections…
Nightmare54
2005-04-30 16:06
HOLY NIPPLE TWISTS!
Your Boss is worse then mine!
surlycanadian
2005-05-01 22:57
I had a pack of crayons in my old office too, but I never made corrections with them. I normally created my original documents in red crayon.
But people would play along, so I had to go back to using the word processor.
danjeruskurves
2005-05-02 01:22
Did you colour in your Little Princess book with your crayons too?