Get comfortable my cherished readers because this one is going to be a beatific behemoth.

A couple of weeks ago, give or take a week in Kurves Time, I was going through my usual daily stroll through the blogosphere when I came across a “dating personality test”. I would link to the blogger’s site, but since she, never visits me here, then I say to hell with her!

Being short in the attention-span department and long in the easily-bored-when-trapped-for-hours-on-end-at-work arena, I took the test to kill a few more minutes of soul-crushing boredom. It turns out that I’m not quite the man-hating, ball-busting, bitter, middle-aged, dried-up battleaxe that you have all come to know and love.

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The Peach

Playful, kind, and well-loved, you are The Peach.

For such a warm-hearted, generous person, you’re surprisingly experienced in both love and sex. We credit your spontaneous side; you tend to live in the moment, and you don’t get bogged down by inhibitions like most women your age. If you see something wonderful, you confidently embrace it.

You are a fun flirt and an instant sweetheart, but our guess is you’re becoming more selective about long-term love. It’s getting tougher for you to become permanently attached; and a guy who’s in a different place emotionally might misunderstand your early enthusiasm. You can wreck someone simply by enjoying him.

Your ideal mate is adventurous and giving, like you. But not overly intense.

The Online Dating Persona Test

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The test was sponsored on a free dating website called “OKCupid”. Chiefly because I was at work and I was bored, the Mischief Gremlin that inhabits my brain’s Boredom Department decided to indulge in a little time-wasting fun. Having been on and off of Snatch.com Match.com several times a few years ago [see related online dating horror stories], I have a hard time viewing these websites with any degree of seriousness. I would guess that roughly 99% of the male users give the rest of them a bad name due to the former’s transparent interest in clearly looking just to get laid. A lot of these charmers even go so far as to list “sex” under “interests” and suchlike. As if we women need that to be brought to our attention because we would otherwise assume that the gentleman in question was, in fact, not at all interested in sex.

The Mischief Gremlin decided to post a profile just to see what manner of idiot would land in my net this time around. I did not post photos because, due to past experience, I did not want to be flooded with dozens and dozens of tacky responses. I would like to bring your attention to two particular sections of the profile and my responses:

What I’m doing with my life
Pretty much killing some time with this while I continue to make my plans for world domination.

The most private thing I’m willing to admit here
I am ferociously private despite the openness I appear to display on many levels on my personal website. Since I have been writing from late childhood onwards, I do not think of my website as being a “blog” … what if I mailed my essays? what if I kept writing but only allowed people to read print-outs? why are the stories and poems I have been writing for 30 years now suddenly put under a catch-all word that will be obsolete in the future? I am a writer. It is my hobby. Labels tend to peel off of me due to my lack of cooperation.

Thus far, I have had a handful of responses [due to my adamant refusal to post photos of myself]. For some reason, OKStupid keeps sending me profiles for guys who are 10-15 years older than me. My preferred dating range is men in their late-30s to late-40s. [I prefer my fuck-buddies to be in their 20s — or at least I did back on the occasion or two that I had a fuck-buddy]. Granted, two of my guy-friends are in their early 60s and they are both H-O-T and in great shape. Unfortunately, that elusive romantic spark is not there, but if it were, the age difference would be meaningless. Now, amongst the “matches” from OKStupid thus far have been:

[1] A 58-year old English teacher who tried desperately to convince me that we were a good match despite that he reacted defensively and insecurely to pretty much every sentence I wrote, disagreed with practically every opinion I had, and clearly thought it was my duty to shore up his flagging ego and lack of self-esteem. After I declined several of his invitations to get together, he abruptly announced that immediately prior to communicating with me, he had actually just made a commitment to be the boyfriend of a woman he had met online, who lives in Asia, whom he has never met in person, but who he is already fantasising about marrying because she is apparently rich. He also informed me that Asian women are SO much more attractive than we Caucasians — after telling me how attractive I looked in the snapshots I sent him. I could not help but wish him luck with all that.

[2] A 56-year old attorney with atrocious grammar and spelling whose first message to me was “How come you don’t have a picture posted???? What am I sappose to look at???”. I decided to give him the benefit of the doubt because he was handsome and I am shallow. I requested his direct email address so that I could send him a snapshot or two. Despite that I told him he had given me a non-working email address, he berated me for not sending the promised photos, and then suggested that we just go ahead and meet. When I responded that I was not comfortable with meeting quite so soon, he asked me if I was “punking out”. Buh-bye 56-year old.

[3] A 60-year old doctor of some kind. He could be a witch doctor for all I know. Which would be a refreshing change from the other half-dozen bore-me-to-whimpering doctors for whom I have wasted ten minutes worth of make-up application. This guy seems quite pleasant and sincere. Except he has thus far refused to ante-up his personal email address or phone number. Apparently, he is afraid that I am some kind of psychotic who will stalk him at his workplace [his words, not mine!!] . . . and yet he wants to meet me in person?

[4] Lastly, there is a 50-year old who demanded to know where he could see my website. When I replied that I did not give that information to people on dating websites, the following was his charming reply:

“WOMEN!!! Why did you make mention of it in your profile then? How odd of you. As I was looking at all the lonely women here I ran across you and felt sorry that so many beautiful girls resort to internet dating. You not posting a picture is telling of you. Afraid of the competition? That crap about not putting a picture up just about kills me. Like you think men only want sex and by not posting a picture is going to some how get you the guys that are looking for lasting love. How foolish can a woman be. You need to get your s_ _ t in order lady as you are fast running out of time to attrack a quality man. Attrack was done to purposely annoy you. I’d love to see a reply. I bet you can be ferocious.”

Well, Mr. Attrack, allow me in all fairness to address your points. First, I mentioned my website as being a “private thing that I would admit to”. “Private”, look it up. I did not in any way imply that I was offering an engraved invitation to visit my website. Nor did I state that there were photos of any kind on my website. I also did not make any claims as to my looks or lack thereof. Second, are you completely missing the hypocrisy of your criticising women for using the self-same internet dating service that you, yourself, are using? Third, I reserve competition for board games as it has no place in romantic liaisons. Fourth, my not posting my photos opens the floor to your personal interpretation which is not remotely the same as my reality. If only my “crap” really could kill you, the world might benefit from one less spineless coward lashing out via the anonymous safety of the internet. You are correct, I can be ferocious, but I would rather be passionate and your clear desire to be dominated by a woman holds absolutely no appeal for me. Are you even remotely aware of the poisoness icing on your self-righteous little acid-cake, Mr. Attrack? YOU do not have YOUR own photos posted!

Allow me to share a few things about myself that I do not feel belong on a dating website. I have my moments of loneliness just like most other human beings, I deal with them and move on. Posting my photos on a dating website would do precisely nothing to assuage those moments. Nor would they, as you point out so succinctly, necessary attract a man who was interested in companionship. However, in NOT posting my photos, at least there is a slight chance that somebody in that 1% of nice-but-not-boring guys just might, maybe develop an initial interest in my personality rather than my looks or lack thereof.

I like sex too, if it’s done right. I haven’t just been around the block, sweetheart, I’ve been all over town. I have had monogamy and polygamy. I have had threesomes and foursomes. I have had men and I have had women . . . and I have been had by both. I have submitted and I have dominated. I have watched and been watched. I have swung and I have rested. I have witnessed orgies and I have attended Fetish Balls. I’ve done it indoors and outdoors, in public and in private. I’ve done it in every non-contortionist position. I’ve spun from the chandelier and rolled under the coffee table. I have fucked the wealthy and made love with the poor. I have been happily married and mistakenly divorced. I have been the Trophy to the older man and the Older Woman to the younger lover. For a year or two there I kept the condom industry in business. For a year or two here and there I have practiced celibacy. And now, I have absolutely nothing to prove to anybody. At this point in my life I can live with or without sex; I can certainly live without the drama that tends to be a part of the package with men like you. At my current stage in life, monogamous, comfortable, vanilla sex is all that appeals to me. I’ve already fulfilled my fantasies — most of which turned out to be better in my very active imagination.

You want to know why somebody like me is on a dating website? Because over-the-hill, Viagra-dependent, midlife-crisis-driven, wrinkled-and-flabby pinpricks such as you, who exhibit the puerile behaviour of a randy chimpanzee and the manners of a truculent teenager, provide fodder for my amusement and, in turn, entertainment for my readers.

I am Woman. Hear me purr . . . as I deftly hand your pathetic attempt at engaging in a battle of wits back to you — sliced, diced, lemon-scented, and wrapped in a delicately-seasoned sauce of you-just-had-your-arse-kicked-by-a-girl femininity.

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If anybody is wondering, why yes, yes, of course I sent a link for this article to Mr. Attrack.

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This entry was posted on Monday, April 7th, 2008 at 2:19 pm and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.