Lezbean Pussé
I was playing Assistant Volunteer for my Official Volunteer friend, Jill, who was on-duty at the animal adoption centre last weekend. Jill is a saint in terms of the amount of time she spends volunteering to take care of the adoption kitties. At 5′11″, with an angelic face, the sweetest of curves, and legs up to here, Jill looks I-kid-you-not like a Victoria’s Secret model, yet she has the ego of Mother Theresa. Frankly, I am honoured that she enjoys my company and allows me to hang around the adoption centre. She has to deal with some pretty annoying people [including me] and bratty kids and yet she stays cheerful and friendly and has not punched anybody in the face as yet. She also spends hours upon hours up to her elbows in kat shit and in medicating-playing-snuggling frightened and lonely kitties. My duties as Kat Whisperer include: looking helpful while not actually doing anything, playing with kittens, not accidentally kicking small children in the shins, fussing over all of the kats, trying not to trip-up Jill, and dispensing helpful observations such as “That kat just took a huge dump, could you get that?” and “Your cellphone is ringing!” Jill and I share a love of animals and a dislike of children. We’re both sweet like that. We had one pair of kittens who were particularly freaked-out about being dumped into the adoption centre. They were absolutely darling but whenever anybody tried to touch them, they would go into hysterical growling and hissing. Or so Jill claimed. The little girl kitten looked as innocent as can be when I checked on her. At Jill’s insistence, I opened the cage and gently lifted out the kitten. She melted against my chest. I shot a look of unadulterated triumph in Jill’s direction . . . just as the kitten spewed forth a growl that shook the building. I sat down and kept her on my lap and grad-u-a-ll-y she calmed down and snuggled and purred. It was only when I attempted to move or to set her down that she would go into hysterics again. Ditto for her brother kitten who was on the lap of another Kat Whisperer. We quickly realised that the kittens were experiencing extreme separation anxiety and that we would pretty much just have to stay still for the next three days. At one point, my little kitten stretched up her paws and placed them gently onto my left breast. Jill and the other lady got a wicked case of the giggles at my expense and Jill whipped out her cellphone and took a couple of photos of me being groped by a kitten. I later nicknamed that kitten “Zilla” because when I teased her with the catfishing toy she reared up like Godzilla.
Here is Zilla trying to expose me to passersby in the hope of luring-in somebody and being rescued and adopted . . .
. . . and here she is leaving her tiny paw-prints on my heart . . . ♥
Oh, I forgot to use my customised, professional-level, Elite Name Protection© to disguise my friend’s name. Let’s just pretend I was talking about somebody named Bill for the sake of this story.
♥
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June 3rd, 2008 at 9:10 am
You’ve both got my admiration, for taking the time to help. I raise money, and I alert people to lost and found kitties, even placing them at times…but after going to our local “shelter” (it looks, and FEELS, like Auschwitz) I broke down emotionally and haven’t been able to go back. Instead, I eagerly support the people who are improving the place. I can’t stand seeing all those homeles babies! I’m surprised you got out of there without a permanent new addition, Miss Softie.
Clearly, the cat had your heart.
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:22 am
I go to our local animal shelter every month or two and talk to all the animals. Yes…even dogs. Like ewww! But I think you’re right. They probably had separation anxiety, and of course, being suddenly thrown into a place with a ga-zillion other cats is probably frightening too. Maybe baby-kitty-zilla was trying to nurse….
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:23 am
Awww, I love kittens! These guys are very cute. Also, maybe Zilla was just trying to get you a date??
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:31 am
What would I do without my beautiful Kat Whisperer? You turn growling, Jill-eating kittens into little sweet purring boob-grabbers. It did help with business, 4 kittens were adopted after that! And you attract the abnormally huge annoying children to you so that they stay away from me, thank you and I don’t mind if you kick them in the shins, go for it! You are way too sweet, I’m going to print this out and laminate it so I can whip it out and show people that you said I looked like a Victoria’s Secret model. If I laminate it they can’t argue with it, it’s the law
Love you!
June 3rd, 2008 at 10:51 am
How did you not take that little kitty home???? I have thought about volunteering at a rescue facility on the weekends, but I know I would end up with a house full of cats (and dogs if my shithead landlord/dad would let me). (Have you seen the movie “Year Of The Dog”? I’m totally turning into that woman.)
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:19 am
Here I was all ready to swoon and faun over “Jill” only to see that “Jill” has already read and replied that takes all the fun out of it. It’s much more fun to compliment you behind your back. So “Jill” go wander off so that I can resume my world-class school-boy giddyness*.
*Actual giddyness may vary, use only as directed, void where prohibited, any similarity to real fascination living or dead is purely coincidental, some assembly required, if mild infatuation occurs discontinue use and contact your physician, void in Nevada.
June 3rd, 2008 at 11:24 am
HRT…. my bad
I’m wondering off as I type, please feel free to resume your world-class school-boy giddyness. I’m all red and flushed that someone is swooning and fauning over me, now I’m giddy!
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:11 pm
I mean come on, after a write up like that from Mistress DK herself, who wouldn’t swoon, fawn and possibly even feel the slightest bit atwitter just to be in the (virtual) presence of greatness…. or at least the presence of really really goodness.
Cuteness, coolness and a heart of gold for Catness (I’m a sucker for aliteration) somebody please get me some oxygen.
Do continue to “rock on wit yo bad self*.”
*(c)2008 ELS
June 3rd, 2008 at 12:21 pm
Now I’m really blushing, I can’t take all these compliments ;-) DK is awesome, I may just have to recruit you to be a Kat Whisperer as well. Julia and I plan on becomming crazy cat ladies together, sitting on our porch in our rocking chairs, waving our canes at the neighborhood children who will fear us and our herds of cats. I can always dream…
June 3rd, 2008 at 1:58 pm
Myra: Ah, but you followed my advice and adopted TWO kittens instead of just one!! This adoption centre is actually inside of a VERY clean national chain pet store. The store works in conjunction with an adoption charity. It’s a beautiful thing.
witty: I literally emitted a *bark* of laughter at your “trying to nurse” comment!!!! Then I laughed some more because the word “bark” was so very appropriate!
Mindy: We’d be happy to send you a six-pack of kittens! They have doggies too…
Andria: The trick is to not ask permission from the landlord and then train the kats to be afraid of the doorbell or knocker so they run and hide under the bed when somebody comes a-calling! Since 2 out of 3 of my remaining kats have chronic illnesses, it makes it much easier to decline adding a new family member.
HRT: I could practically make an entire chapter of the book I will never actually write from your awesome comments!!
Jill: I think we are all in agreement here that it is high-time you took off some [or all] of your clothes and got in front of my camera! After all, you don’t want to make me look like a liar!!
HRT and Jill: I turn my back for a few hours and all of a sudden my Comments section turns into Flirting Central???
June 3rd, 2008 at 2:12 pm
Flirt*? Who? Me*? NEVER!!!*
*Shameless flirt
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:12 pm
All of my clothes? Maybe some….I’m crumbling! Now don’t be lying to the people about my looking like a VS model, I don’t want anyone getting their hopes up
And just what’s wrong with how I look when I’m volunteering with the cats??? All you need to do is brush off some liter chunks and it would be just fine. ha
Oh yeah, you forgot about our first meeting, you really are the Kat Whisperer
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:13 pm
There was supposed to be a picture attached to that but it didn’t come through, it was you with Clyde melted on your lap
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:17 pm
You still melt Clydes? I thought they banned that in the 70’s.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:23 pm
Oh and btw, if DK says you’re a hottie, well then you’re a hottie and you’ll just have to up and deal with it. You’ve gone and made your hottie little bed now you will just have to lie in it.
…hmm some how that came out sounding far more tawdry than intended, my bad.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:24 pm
The previous statement was brought to you by 3rd grade logic, “It takes one to know one.” We now join you to your regularly scheduled program already in progress.
June 3rd, 2008 at 3:32 pm
Jill: I could never forget our first meeting! Or sweet, melted Clyde. I don’t know why your link didn’t work, but I was able to get PhotoFucket to display the photo:
HRT: “join” us or “return” us? Either way, I’m already regularly scheduled!
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:33 pm
Aw, Clyde loved you! I really need to bring my camera in so I can get ALL of you in the photo, but the part shown is very nice
You have no choice now, you must come with me every time I’m there to help ward off evil “husky” children and pathetic fugly bitchy women. The time will come when we will have to kick some ass, should be relatively easy considering who we’ll be ass-whoopin (yes, I said whoopin), I’m southern.
HRT: Hello Mr. Tawdry McTawdryson
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:47 pm
Jill: Like hell you are going to get a photo of me up to my ears in kat fur with unwashed hair and virtually no make-up! I have an IMAGE to maintain — you know, one of how I strut around in real life looking like I just stepped out of a photo shoot. I’m Southern too — the southeast of England to be precise! Those husky twin girls were SCARY; perhaps we could offer human spaying as an additional adoption incentive?
June 3rd, 2008 at 4:59 pm
Somehow I suspect that the two of you look better unwashed and covered in kat fur, smelling of feline than 93.94% of the rest of the population when they are quaffed to the nines.
But then again that may just be an unsubstantiated rumor.
Regardless your coolness is undisputable. Okay, enough of the mushy stuff, any more and I’ll have to kick my own @$$*.
*Self-flaggelation $2.99 for the first minute $1.75 for every minute thereafter. Slaps are free, self mutalitory @$$ kicking extra, quantities limited batteries not included, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.
June 4th, 2008 at 9:48 am
DK: Why can’t I get a picture of you taking care of the cats?? That’s the only way you’ve seen me, sweating, covered in fur with my makeup sweated off and my hair up in a ponytail - that’s sad. I do actually shower and wear clothes with no cat fur on them (well some fur from Clovis & Tigger) but no litter chunks
June 4th, 2008 at 11:06 am
That’s hot.
June 4th, 2008 at 12:39 pm
Jill: As I am old enough to be your mother, that gives me the right to say “because I said so!”
June 4th, 2008 at 3:56 pm
HRT: I never knew litter chunks were hot, I’m a hottie Mchotterson apparently if that’s true
Add the fur and claw marks from the cats and I’m ready to go out!
DK: Yes ma’am
I still think you look beautiful, even the kitties try to cop a feel!
June 4th, 2008 at 4:41 pm
***WARNING*** If “Jill” looks like a VS model with no makeup, hair pulled back in a pony tail and covered in assorted cat genetic material, for the love of God and all things godlike please do NOT post any sans cat fur “Jill” pictures on this forum or any other forum!!!!
I am certain that pictures that hot would most definitely melt my hard drive and lead to a pandemic of cardiac arrest!!! As it is I’ve had to fortify my computer with an asbestos shielded modem just to view DK’s pictures, I know that this little Dell(c)* could never withstand the both of you on the same website! But if you do choose to ignore my stern warnings please sound the klaxon alarm and warn a brother first so that I can go out and purchase SPF 30 sunblock… for my eyes.
Fondly,
HRT
*(c) stands for crappy
June 6th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Don’t worry, Julia is way too sweet and nice, I don’t look like a VS model, I like to eat!
June 9th, 2008 at 12:15 pm
A fondness for eating is not necessarily a bad thing, nor does that automatically disqualify you from being model material.