Kids Today!
I cannot Waltz or Mambo or Salsa. I certainly cannot Fox-trot or Charleston, let alone Fandango. I once tried to Swing, but it wasn’t for me. Frankly, I can’t even manage the Texas Two-Step — which to my understanding actually has three steps. I have never line-danced except when queueing for the loo. I am horrible at dancing with a partner because I insist on leading and rarely can anybody match my rhythmic movements. While I am an excellent participant in the Horizontal Tango, there is only one type of music that I can actually dance to and it has to have that specific beat. My preference is “alternative” 80s music — Depeche Mode, The Cure, Soft Cell — and some of the current hits by bands such as The Killers, Fischerspooner, and She Wants Revenge. In other words, when it comes to dancing, I am a one-trick pony.
Having said all of which, I have firmly established myself over the course of the past eight years as the official Old Lady of myNightclub™. Granted, one time the remnants of a wedding party washed ashore at my favourite dive and amongst them was a grandmotherly lady who had to have been at least in her 70s and boy could she cut a jig on the dance floor. She was quite the novelty even with the youngsters outside of her own group, although, I did catch her skewering me with a disapproving glance or two. The jealous old battle-axe was probably just envious that I still have my own teeth.
Quite recently, in the past three weeks or so, two new twenty-something female patrons have run aground directly adjacent to my fiercely-guarded spot on the dance floor. These young ladies are extremely attractive by most standards, they have angelic faces, shining hair, dazzling smiles, and taut, lithe bodies. They dress in ultra-short, skin-tight little dresses with their perky breasts proudly peeking from low-cut necklines and their slender legs reaching all the way to the floor. They are both adorable and H-O-T!
Unfortunately, they can’t dance worth a damn. If some white men can’t jump then these white girls can’t find a rhythm to save their lives. I mean, bless their little cotton socks, they certainly try. One of them bounces around completely out of time with every single song. The other one stands still and just sort-of sways her upper body while attempting to undulate her arms in a sexily becoming manner. Regrettably, she comes across as a stoned robot. Herein lies the rub, these sweet young things are attempting to emulate MY dance moves. I have a very unique style that has developed over the years and frankly, it is not easy to follow. It combines a little bit of Latin shoulder-shaking, a dash of Middle-Eastern hand-swirling, a tease of hem-lifting or shoulder strap-lowering, a touch of hip-hop bounce, a flapper’s shake n’shimmy, a stripper’s grind of the hips here and a clumsy ballerina’s pirouette there. Sometimes I sing along — only not out loud, heaven forbid — and sometimes I toss in a brief charade. All in all, it’s a little like performance art. So these gorgeous little dahlings are trying to be just like the Old Lady and it’s not working well at all.
In closing, I will state that while imitation may well be 100% sincere, it is quite definitely not always flattering. Now, step aside you little brats before the Old Lady whacks your ankles with her stiletto-heeled sandal walking stick.
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June 24th, 2008 at 9:47 am
I’m not a dancer, and never have been. But it shocked me when I saw my sister and her friends dancing at a club a few months ago. Frankly, I’m surprised none of them have been assaulted, because their dancing is so raunchy that it leaves NOTHING to the imagination. I’m the most vulgar person I know, and it even offended me a little. (I guess this makes me old. *sigh*)
June 24th, 2008 at 11:26 am
I “dance” like Devo. Jumping up and down. I only did it once. The one and only time I drank alcohol. I hope you do whack those little brats. Why? Oh, just because it would be fun.
June 24th, 2008 at 11:52 am
Ha ha! I LOVE IT! I wish I could just SEE this dancing happen. That would be wonderful. Just spill something on the floor so these little hussies fall on their arses. That will teach them to emulate you!
June 24th, 2008 at 12:51 pm
I can overlook hot chicks with tight asses not being able to dance. If they can grab their ankles, I’m usually OK with it
June 24th, 2008 at 1:08 pm
I think that I can dance. Meaning I’m pretty certain that I’ve never made a fool out of myself and I’ve actually been given more than a few compliments from people who’s opinion that I trust (throw in a semester of formal ballroom dancing) and I’m pretty much a triple threat (club dancing, ballroom dancing, line/canned dancing aka souljaboy) but seeing as its somewhat stereotypical for my people to be able to dance, I usually play it down and just laugh hysterically at folks trying desparately to find a beat… any beat.
It’s kind of a curse knowing the moves to most of the “popular” line dances, because that means that
old white ladies*, I mean very nice mature women of european descent oftendemand, I mean politely ask me to remind them how the dances go. Which Inever, always oblige because I’mkind, like to laugh at them.*OWL: No readers, authors or participants of this publication would be considered O.W.L.’s present company represent the hotty section of the dancefloor.
June 24th, 2008 at 1:30 pm
Andria: Surprisingly, as “wild” and outrageously weird (Punk Rockers, Goths, transvestites, vampires, etc.) as this club is, and even though you see the random bout of pretty gay boys snogging, I’ve only seen a couple of instances of really vulgar behaviour — and that particular couple was alternately laughed-at or ignored!
witty: I think I’d like to ply you with alcohol and put on some music!
FunkyBee: Oh, drinks get spilled on the dance floor regularly, it’s only a matter of time . . . and the subtle use of my accidentally bumping into one of them, hopefully causing a Domino effect.
Rio: I’m with you on that one! As long as they aren’t in MY dance space.
HRT: You get your own people? Which aisle did you find them in? I want to have my own people!!!
June 24th, 2008 at 9:27 pm
“I am horrible at dancing with a partner because I insist on leading and rarely can anybody match my rhythmic movements.”
This is me exactly.
June 25th, 2008 at 11:15 am
Rumour has it that SOMEone has posted over at the ’stach… hmmm, I wonder who that could be….
June 25th, 2008 at 12:48 pm
Mindy: Let’s dance!! Just not together, hm?
HRT: Um, yes dear, you already told me in an email!!
June 25th, 2008 at 1:46 pm
I did? They say the mind is the 2nd thing to go… if only I could remember what the first is…
June 27th, 2008 at 4:14 pm
I couldn’t dance my way out of a wet paper sack. However, I am awesome IN the sack. Thank god I don’t drink anymore, now I can remember everything!
Wait a minute…
June 28th, 2008 at 12:56 pm
WarCry: You don’t drink? What about all that red wine???? [puzzled look]