Vampire Hunter
Dear Public Library,
With regard to your overdue notice for “Aunt Dimity: Vampire Hunter”, the book in question is not now, nor has it ever been, in my possession. I did not borrow this book. I do not have this book nor have I ever touched it or even seen it. Frankly, I would not know this book if it came to life and bit me on the neck!
Since I am a huge fan of the vampire genre, I will also point out that were I going to borrow a vampire story book, it would not be about a vampire hunter. Were I in the habit of stealing library books — which I’m not — it would certainly not have been this one. I really don’t like to own books as they are cumbersome to store and move. I have also never been one for re-reading books because I have an annoying tendency to remember the plot twists and endings. The few books I do own are mostly paperbacks in the erotic-horror genre which I will get around to reading if my sex drive ever reappears. Since I already own Douglas Adams’ “The Hitchhiker’s Quartet”, there’s really nothing else I need in terms of literary ownership.
Kindly remove this book from my record.
Forever Yours Temporarily,
DK
. . .
After a wee bit of wrangling [several phone calls and much arguing], the library did, indeed, remove the aforesaid missing book from my record. Score: DK-1, Library-0.
Now, this all happened several weeks ago. This morning, upon removing the last of a box of vinyl gloves [they are so helpful in avoiding fingerprints and blood when dismembering the previous night’s bad date!] from the bottom shelf of a metal shelving unit, guess what I found that had been previously hidden from my view?
Thank goodness for after-hours library drop-boxes.
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September 30th, 2008 at 7:59 am
Hahahahaaaa, and after all that impassioned fighting to clear your name! LOL!!!…Oh well, at least your shame wasn’t so great that you were led to dismember the book and throw it in the same hole you dumped the bad date’s severed limbs in. ‘Cause Doola is a good citizen, Dammit.
September 30th, 2008 at 8:54 am
If I gave you my wife’s phone # could you please explain the cumbersome thing to her about her Library collection of her Anne Rice books….. We closed on a house a week before Ike and moving the damn things I believe might have giving me a hernia. Which brings me to my second question…. Have you ever giving a hernia exam? and if so do I pay upon exam or will you just bill me?…
September 30th, 2008 at 10:25 am
Hey………I want to know how the book got there………..was it vampires ?? !!!! Scary stuff !! Can I borrow a pair of those gloves before the stench starts wafting from my last bad date ????
September 30th, 2008 at 1:34 pm
I could really used a pair of those finger-printless gloves too (idiot neighbors, in my case). I remember when I moved from California, the movers were just pulling out my bed when lo and behold there was a library photo book of gargoyles I hadn’t seen in over a year. Whoops. But I was moving to NY, so I just returned it where I’m sure the fines were well over the national dept. Yay for those late night return boxes!
September 30th, 2008 at 3:10 pm
Perhaps the book grew wings and flew into your house when you were sleeping?
October 1st, 2008 at 1:52 pm
lol! i did that once with a movie from blockbuster. i went in there and told off some pimple faced assistant manager and almost made him cry. he took it off my record. i found it about six months later.
oops. my bad!
October 3rd, 2008 at 2:32 pm
Ha! I did the same thing, but I only found the book years later when I moved. And I kept it. heh.
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:23 pm
ryn: simmer down now! i’ve been known, on occassion, to howl at the moon. don’t take it personally unless you are, in fact, one of the sheep.
October 3rd, 2008 at 4:30 pm
Myra: Oh no, I would never harm a … book.
VTech: Just like you, I expect to be paid for my services when rendered.
Albert: There you go again trying to tell me what to do! I’m far too alpha to respond well to orders.
October 13th, 2008 at 10:19 am
Ha ha! That is hilarious. And I too have never been able to re-read books. I am kind of envious of people that can, but even books that I truly love, I just can’t do it. I get bored because ummm, yeah, I know what happens. The only books I’ve ever been able to read and re-read have been those of the children’s genre - Dr. Seuss, etc….