Rush and Rue-lette
Dear Upstairs Neighbour,
Hullo there! I hope this finds you well and that your nerves are not quite as fried as mine are after the recent “bad weather” and resulting “lack of air-conditioning” for nine days straight in 9th Circle of Hell Heat. You may have noticed that the cretinous landscapers have been by to chop down broken trees and scattered branches . . . and in the process they stacked said firewood in a 10ft wide by 5ft high bonfire in front of my windows. Which, unfortunately, also blocked the slightest chance of a breeze entering my apartment! Oh, those whacky illegal immigrants landscapers!
Do you recall the night after the piddling little hurricane how I very politely asked you not to keep tossing your cigarette dog-ends down onto my patio? How I offered to bring you something that would “pass as an ashtray”? How I might have mentioned that my front garden is not your personal dumping ground? After nine days without air-conditioning, violently puking from heat-stroke, a bloated torso from dehydration, a week’s worth of sleep deprivation, and constant promises of moments-away repairs from the lying leasing office, I must admit that I am a tad bit cantankerous! Ha! silly me, fancy allowing gut-wrenching misery to get to me!
I was wondering, being as we are, in fact, neighbours and all, if you would care to join me in a game of “Your Turn/My Turn”? Here’s how it goes:
| Your Turn: | You have there in your hand a packet of cigarettes. In and of itself it is quite harmless. |
| My Turn: | I have here in the palm of my hand a 40-calibre bullet. In and of itself it is quite harmless. |
| Your Turn: | You remove a cigarette from the packet. Again, still harmless. |
| My Turn: | I now place the bullet into a clip. Again, still harmless. |
| Your Turn: | You light your cigarette and take a long, slow inhale. Still harmless at this point. |
| My Turn: | I slide the loaded clip into my Glock. Still harmless at this point. |
| Your Turn: | You enjoy your cigarette down to its last fraction of an inch. Why shouldn’t you, there is no law against inhaling a carcinogen! There is, however, a law that entitles Americans to bear arms [even those of us with dual nationality!]. But I digress, kindly enjoy your cancer stick. |
| My Turn: | I rack and chamber a load. Have I mentioned that I am a very good shot? In years past, I out-shot both my gun safety instructor and a Texas cop I used to date. No big deal, women are generally more accurate shooters anyway because of something to do with slower metabolism. Your turn. |
| Your Turn: | You have a choice. You can extinguish your cigarette in an ashtray or, better yet, a fire-safe receptacle that will also quash any sparks. Or, you can toss your dog-end off your balcony and quite potentially have it land on or near the large pile of bone-dry firewood that is stacked up against my windows. Assuming you |
| My Turn: | I have a choice. I am now pointing a loaded weapon at your chest. A weapon which in some peoples’ opinions is the “cause of death”. However, unless I choose to pull the trigger, then the weapon remains harmless. It is strictly MY choice as to what to do next. |
Your Turn.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
September 21st, 2008 at 1:33 pm
It seems to me that sleep deprivation combined with dehydration due to excessive heat AND post traumatic stress due to Ike’s ‘flatulence’ would be grounds for a temporary insanity plea. But I’m in the UK so don’t know enough about American law
September 21st, 2008 at 3:30 pm
Being a non smoker I can relate….. so fight fire with fire…. now I’m not saying pick up smoking and flick them back up at her.. but there are plenty of unruly people that do not pick up after their dogs….. gather the (butt nuggets) in a bag or whatever and if you know what car she is driving then when shit is smeared on a windshield its not the easiest thing to get off and the smell last for days… or you could always just disable her car by shoving it all into her tail pipe…… WOW… Did I just say that?… fuck it she deserves it… the inconsiderate Bitch… Sorry its that time of the Year for me…. MUAH.. love ya darling…
September 21st, 2008 at 9:01 pm
Someone is flicking their still lit ciggies onto your porch? god damn it I’m flying down there and personally kicking their ass. They shouldn’t even do that even if there isn’t a pile of lumber taller than a Humvee. Where were they raised….Texas? Oh wait….
September 21st, 2008 at 9:52 pm
leave a bag of cat poop on her doorstep.
September 22nd, 2008 at 5:05 pm
wow. you’re totally going to be on the news for blowing this guys brains out aren’t you? lol! sweet! i’m going to know someone famous!
September 22nd, 2008 at 8:00 pm
Gather up the butts and fling them back onto her balcony. Does she leave her car windows open, even a crack? Dump them into her car.
September 23rd, 2008 at 12:09 pm
Ron: Ha! I’ve got you thinking like an American. Now stop it.
VTech: That just cracked me up! However, I deal with enough crap-cleaning from my 18-lb kats. Oh, and the building is a no-dog zone.
witty: YES!!!! COME VISIT ME!!!
Fran: You need to meet VTech. You both seem to like shit.
Albert: It’s a girl … but she has friends so I could really up the ante and blow them all away … wouldn’t that make you proud?!
warcry: I have seriously considered the butt flinging but I throw like a girl. No idea where she parks, but I did do that to another upstairs neighbour who used to park right outside my apartment — it worked.
September 24th, 2008 at 10:16 pm
My Uncle Carmine could straighten this out really quick.