Swing loooooowww…
Ah, the Lifestyle, the word itself being capitalized to demonstrate the earnestness of this way of life.
I’ve brushed against the Lifestyle a time or two in the past. About three years ago, your intrepid reporter attended several swinger nightclubs out of boredom and as moral support for various bi-curious girlfriends. That, in turn, led a while later to my being the guest of a swinger couple at a swinger’s house party. While the voyeurism aspect had its moments, it was mostly rather pitiful, but then active participation was even less appealing. I met quite a few people in the Lifestyle, others who dabbled in the Lifestyle, and some who visited and then discarded the Lifestyle. There are those devout participants who scoff at we who choose to live a conventional life outside of the Lifestyle; branding non-participants as “vanilla” while proclaiming themselves to be elitists.
What is the Lifestyle? Who are its members? The Lifestyle, as it is termed, are those people who participate in promiscuous sex; those who swap partners; those who believe that life should imitate a cheesy 70s porn film. They rarely practice safe sex, choosing instead to believe in the porn industry fantasy that there are never any consequences to their behaviour. Much like the porn industry, they deny all claims of sexually transmitted disease, much as a smoker denies dependency on nicotine; and yet STD’s continue to thrive. They justify their way of life by claiming it as a type of freedom. Freedom from what? true love? honest passion? the desire for one’s partner? the ability to work at a relationship? These are people who stood in front of their God and everybody and swore marital vows of fidelity, and who now play pick-and-choose with the holy sanctity of marriage, selecting only the commitments that suit their purpose. What if your God *does* exist? how do you suppose He feels about your breaking His most precious commandments? Personal relationship drama plays a high part in this allegedly carefree promiscuity. Couples advertise their wares on dedicated swinger-dating websites which contain explicit photos and profiles demanding “no drama”. Methinks these folks doth protest too much. From what I witnessed, drama is rampant in the Lifestyle. While most couples insist that they only “play” together, it was made crystal clear to me in every instance that the male would be more than willing to hook up with me on the quiet. Don’t kid yourselves, ladies, YOUR man is just as likely as anybody else’s to cheat on you. Once you have granted your partner the permission to cheat, you are opening the door to anything-goes. And yes, it IS cheating whether you are watching, joining in, or just aware of its happening. What was that sworn oath you took again? something about being faithful…?
Swingers like to party at sleazy overpriced nightclubs that charge astronomical cover fees (average = $40) and require a mandatory drink minimum (average = 5 drinks). Has anyone heard of DUI? These people cram themselves onto tiny dance floors where what passes for dancing is more like a squirming bucket of worms. So what do the majority of these people look like? They range from a tiny number of the young and shapely to the far more common fat guys with a few bucks and a skinny wife; accountant-looking, over-the-hill men dressed as would-be pimps; middle aged women desperately hanging onto their fading looks by dressing like retired strippers, their pneumatic, oversized breast implants straining at over-stretched skin.
I’ve been told that a lot of the time a lot of the men cannot even achieve an erection. I don’t believe that very many of the women truly participate because they love it so much; I believe that for the most part these women go along for one of two reasons. The first, I think, is that some women want a “safe” environment in which to make love with another woman. Of course, the number of self-respecting, single, gorgeous, willing, bisexual women who are available for casual sex with a couple falls into the fantasy department. Likewise, the number of men who are willing to settle for just watching is pretty low. Again, from my observations, I would say that the vast majority of women are not participating in the Lifestyle because they can’t stand monogamy, they are participating because they feel that it is the ONLY way they can possibly hold onto their man. Sadly, they are probably right, because without exception, I think I can honestly say that everyone I’ve ever met or talked to who is associated with the Lifestyle is either bipolar, a sex addict, or an enabling codependent, and most of them are also alcoholics … and I do mean: without exception.
I can’t help but think an excellent moneymaking scheme would be to attend some of their house parties wielding syringes of Botox and armed with bottles of Viagra and XTC. Of course, having witnessed some of the “action”, I think I’d also need a blindfold and ear plugs.
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DISCLAIMER: these are purely MY observations and opinions… names have been omitted to protect the guilty.
Current Mood: 
cynical