Not Enough is Never Enough
DISCLAIMER: do not attempt to read this essay without the protection of a sense of humour; all text produced from 100% recycled pixels; batteries and action figures are included; one size does not fit all; size does matter; do not read this while driving; please only respond if you can be either very funny or sexually stimulating or both. Thank you, Management.
I’m currently having a dry spell — that period between relationships that can potentially result in either drowning in a sea of my own hormones or, worse, booty calling an Ex. Then again, I could always “allow” a hot 20something at Numbers to take me home with him. Hell, maybe his Dad will be single and hot too. Lord knows, I *love* Mr. Buzzy, but we’ve been spending too much time together and frankly, I think it’s time we took a little space. Besides, Mr. Buzzy can’t buy me dinner.
Somebody Who Shall Remain Nameless told me this past weekend that not getting laid is All My Own Fault. I think that could be true, so I have decided that enough is enough, or in this case, not enough is none at all. In order to engage in the amount of sex I’d like to be having, I am going to discard my ridiculous notions about Self Respect, Morals, and Safe Sex. Out goes the old Having Standards, Being In A Relationship, and especially Having To Actually LIKE The Guy. After all, these things are standing in the way of my having a perfectly disappointing sex life.
From now on I’m going to bang not just every single guy I date, but also all of the married ones who come on to me. I’m going to screw all of my girlfriends’ dates, boyfriends, husbands, lovers. I’m going to seduce fathers, brothers, sons, friends, and my bartenders. I’m going to start taking lunch breaks at the office in order to pluck random strangers off the street for a quickie. I’ll stand by freeway ramps holding a cardboard sign that says: Will Have Sex For Nothing! I’ll go door-to-door in my townhouse building, working my way through all of the male tenants in blatant disregard for their sexual preferences. For the slow days I’ll start my own internet dating service and I’ll call it Snatch.cum. I’ll become a non-profit charity offering free blowjobs to anyone who’ll take them. Such generousity on my part could well result in bringing the local strippers, well … to their knees. Maybe I’ll even go international and become the Mother Theresa of Sex, calmly dishing out charity fucks.
And so, my friends, I say to you Buy Trojan! I have a feeling their stock is about to … rise.
Current mood: wicked and wanton