Dear John … and Joe … and …
Dear male friends,
I had a truly horrible date last night. He did not look remotely like his photos but instead resembled a cross between Lurch and my weird Uncle Ronnie. His (the date’s) personality was slightly less tepid than that of a cardboard box, although, the restaurant was fabulous and so were the food and service, but I digress … Due to my recent inability to attract a fun, handsome, intelligent, funny, sexy, heterosexual, decent, nice man who can keep up with my sex drive, I have decided to take a break of indeterminate length from dating. This means that YOU, as my platonic male friends, are going to have to take up the slack. Let’s face it, I like you, you like me, you’d probably bone me if I gave you the non-joking-serious opportunity (which isn’t going to happen for about 99% of you and you know who you are), but despite my not putting out for you, you understand that I’m one hell of a lot of fun to be around and you always enjoy my company. Thanks to your predecessors, ancestors, and current affiliates I still earn less than you do despite being at least as well educated (if not more so) than you. This means that you owe it to me to take me out, entertain me, pay for dinners, drinks, movies, shows, etc. While you won’t be getting laid out of the deal, let’s face it, you’d still get more bang for your buck than you would on most dates. Don’t argue with it, guys, just accept that this is the way of things.
Now, please take a number and form an orderly line on the left …