Clever Derriere
Everybody [and by “everybody” I mean “some people”] believes themselves to be a smartarse on some level. In some cases, not just “a” smartarse, but “The” smartarse. I have been put here to correct that illusion. There are very few *true* smartarses in the world and I know this because I happen to be one of them. The trick is to be able to cut to the bone while still keeping things humourous; to have the ability to mercilessly make fun of somebody [or oneself] while provoking laughter. Some people start out all cocky with me and end up resorting to pulling childish faces when they realise they’ve got nothing; others will sink desperately to the personal insult level as I deftly slice and dice them. It’s not about making it personal, it’s about making it FUNNY. A true smartarse will make you think and will make you laugh even while you are being flayed alive. It’s a very rare day indeed when somebody can stay up with my acerbic wit. I’m a menace in internet chat rooms, but in person my verbal sparring can bring a grown man to the edge of sanity. Anybody who truly knows me also knows that I make fun of myself more than I make fun of anybody. My policy is this: if I’m going to dish it out, then I sure as hell had better be ready to take it too. Don’t try this at home.
Location: my gym
Characters: HotGuy, HisFriend, Me
HotGuy to Me: Are you going to use those fives?
Me [with unintentional tinge of sarcasm]: Uh, no, I don’t think so.
HotGuy to HisFriend: Gee, the way she said “I don’t think so” makes me sound like some kinda wimp!
HisFriend and Me: hahahaha!!
Me to HotGuy: Well, look at yourself! You’re HALF the size of me!
HotGuy and HisFriend: hahahaha!!
[moments later] Me: Hey, if those fives are too heavy for you, I think there are some three’s over there … maybe you could get your Friend to carry them over for you.
HotGuy to Me: BWAHAHAHA!!… so, what do you do for a living? … motivational speaker?
Me [grinning]: Gosh, I’m everso sorry. Um, I’d offer to buy you a make-up beer … but, I don’t think you’d be able to lift it.