The Tail of the Constipated Cat
Warning! The following entry just might be the biggest bunch of crap you ever read here.
Things have been a little strained in the Kurves Household recently. Last week I caught my sweet Sugar kitty trying to take a dump on a paper grocery sack which was minding its own business while innocently laying on the floor. Why was it there, you ask. Well, because kats like to attack paper bags. Or climb inside them. Or tear them to shreds. Or lay on them (yes, a kitty sleeping bag). It’s a cheap and easy source of amusement for all of us. Only this time, the bag was about to be an impromptu litter box. Sugar is 10 years old. In human years that is about … um … well, getting up there. He’s already had two of his canines extracted and he tends to get a bit constipated. The perfect pet: a kat that doesn’t crap.
So there he was, all tensed up in the Crapping On A Bag position. I didn’t dare to move him for fear he might crap all over me and/or the carpet. I even hunkered down next to him to make sure he didn’t move OFF the bag. I waited for a couple of minutes. Then waited some more. Sugar instantly failed to produce anything but a guttural groan of pain. I thought briefly about locking him into one of the bathrooms for the day to make sure he didn’t leave me a steaming pile on the carpet, but decided against it. I tried to get him to take some Petromalt™ to no avail. A few minutes later he again Assumed The Position and started straining intensely. When he made that awful sound again, I decided to rush him to the Very.Expensive.Technician (V.E.T.). An X-ray confirmed that he was indeed, Full.Of.Shit. About three pounds of it!!!!!!!!! a veritable shitload if you will. The V.E.T. informed me that I would have to leave Sugar there to be treated … to an enema. (You call that a treat?) Which, it turned out, immediately did not do the trick and so Sugar had to stay in the animal hospital for several days. I called the V.E.T. every day to check on Sugar’s progress. For the first several days there simply *wasn’t* any change. Mummy was getting rather strained herself at that point and might have sort-of gotten a teensy bit stroppy with one or two friends who failed to show the appropriate degree of empathy. On the other hand, Mummy wasn’t terribly appreciative when her good buddy Tigger sent what he considered to be a sympathetic email message … that detailed the deaths of his last two kats. Like any diabetic, Jazzie also really missed his Sugar. Jazzie took to checking Sugar’s favourite sleeping places and upon finding them empty, he would waddle around the house howling at the top of his very powerful miaow.
Each time I called the V.E.T. he kept referring to Sugar as “she” until I finally said “If you’d seen the size of the balls on that kat pre-neutering, you wouldn’t be mistaking his gender!”
Finally, five days, 14 kitty enemas (I shit you not … I just hope they did not have any fans near him when he eventually let loose), and $700 later I am getting to bring him home tonight. Poor baby, when I finally get him home and let him out of the carrier I bet he’ll be all pooped out.
His new nickname henceforth shall be “Shitbag”.
Current Mood: 
relieved … and very broke
August 22nd, 2005 at 11:52 am
Your poor kitty!!!! Holy shit (no pun intended) that poor cat much have been in AGONY! Just think, us women have our ‘PMS bloated moments’ but I do not think they could even compare to Sugar.
August 22nd, 2005 at 11:52 am
Hahahaha!! Shitbag. Well, dahling, if it makes you feel any better, I had to take my cat to the V.E.T. yesterday and it’s going to cost me $1000 to fix him. So we can be relieved and broke together!
August 22nd, 2005 at 12:25 pm
HOLY SHIT!! 700.00 on a cat? hell in my book that is more money then anyone should spend on any animal! Fuck my truck only cost me 750.00 and I get to climb inside it everyday and make it do my bidding!!
I’m glad that I don’t have any expensive habits!
But I truly am happy Sug, is all better!
August 22nd, 2005 at 12:27 pm
Wow, I’m sorry your cat was feeling crappy. Give him hugs and kisses from Auntie Warcry and tell him I think he’s the shit.
Is it just me or did anyone else’s anal sphincter involuntarily clench upon reading the phrase “14 enemas”? Oy.
August 22nd, 2005 at 12:49 pm
Rima: I know that I sure wouldn’t have wanted 3 lbs of poop lodged in my colon!
Andria: Holy kat! what was wrong with him?
Nightmare: My kats have been my constant companions for 10 years and love me unconditionally. No vehicle (or human) has done the same for me.
WCG: I’m afraid he’s started to like them at this point!
August 22nd, 2005 at 1:25 pm
Long story short - he has a urinary tract infection. A very, very expensive one.
August 22nd, 2005 at 1:28 pm
Andria: damn, that *is* some expensive pussy! I told my V.E.T. at one point, during a rather emotional moment: “Why don’t you just take my paycheck and shove it up there since nothing else seems to be working!”
August 22nd, 2005 at 3:10 pm
My cat nearly died twice because of that. He now has a permanently enlarged colon and so he gets 12 ccs of kitty-lax a night and I feed them both wet food only and voila, no more pooping problems. If you go back and read in my archives it was harrowing, expensive but the alternative was losing him and well, I’d have preferred to sell body parts rather than do that. Hope your furry guy is feeling better. -J
August 22nd, 2005 at 3:41 pm
Oooh, poor Sugar. And poor you! I hope he feels better soon… nothing like a good s… well, nevermind. Do they have any idea what happened? Perhaps a prune or Bran Flakes treat now and again. I’m glad he’s home and on the mend. Give him bit ear scritches from Aunt MA.
August 22nd, 2005 at 3:50 pm
Yeah, no kidding it’s expensive pussy!!! I couldn’t really say anything at the vet because after I heard the cost I pretty much just went apeshit hysterical. Good times.
August 22nd, 2005 at 4:00 pm
I’ve never heard a cat grunt while trying to take a dump. I might have shit my own pants lauging had i heard THAT! lol
August 22nd, 2005 at 5:14 pm
Sorry to hear about that expensive bill and the fact that Sugar can’t poop. Did they give you medicine, or you’ll have to take him back when he’s 3 pounds heavier?
August 22nd, 2005 at 8:06 pm
Poor kitty. I’m glad he’s better now, but I am sorry that you have a kat with an enema fetish.
August 23rd, 2005 at 12:19 am
OMG! Poor thing…at least he got it all out…I dont have any pet stories I can empathize with…but Im sure 3 lbs worth of constipation is something anyone, human or animal, can feel sorry for *laugh*
Glad hes doing better and back home
August 23rd, 2005 at 8:23 am
Holy defecation! A whole 3 pounds? That’s like 20 pounds or so for you and me! Poor kitty. I just hope this isn’t a regular (ahem) thing. Those V.E.T. bills can kill ya.
August 23rd, 2005 at 11:30 am
Thanks everybody for your compassion. Jokes aside, Sugar is not recovered by any means. He is just now starting a course of two different medications. He could still die anyway, despite all of this. Apparently he smells funny too because while he and Jazz have been soulmates for ten years, right now Jazz wants nothing to do with Sugar. That makes me more sad than anything else.
I cried when I went to get him. The V.E.T. said “You must be really happy to see him!” I said, “No, I’m crying because I just saw your bill.”
August 23rd, 2005 at 12:49 pm
Oh Sweetheart!! My heart is completely with you, hoping Sugar is going to be okay. *strictly-platonic-hug-complete-with-back-rub-and-rocking* xoxo
August 23rd, 2005 at 1:38 pm
The key with cats…most people have them declawed. I suggested delegged.