Self Write-chusness
For those of you operating under the Dogbert© principal of “I believe in karma. That means I can do bad things to people all day long and assume they deserve it.” Allow me to assure you, that is not the way it works, sweetheart. Furthermore, you do not get extra points for performing acts of humanity that you should be doing anyway! So you helped a blind person cross the street? that is your *job* as a human being! Not only that, but all those self-righteous proclamations of do-goodery are wiped out by one random act of unkindness.
Allow me to list some of the acts of sainthood which I may or may not have personally perpetrated at some point in my life:
Today I did not fart in my doctor’s face while receiving a pelvic exam.
Today I did not take a lunch break at work because I spent all morning dicking off.
Today I left a sweet comment in the blog of a boring writer.
Today I did the job I am getting paid to do.
Today I did not kick the dog that belongs to a homeless person.
Today I told a friend that I love her. Just because she needed to hear it.
Today I did not strangle a coworker.
Today I picked up some trash from the walkway around my townhouse.
Today I fed and petted my kats.
Today I said Thank You several times. Because I meant it.
Today I had sex with my lover. Even though I wasn’t really in the mood. And I had things that needed to be done. But he was really stressed out and needed to feel my touch.
Today I paid a compliment to a homely woman. And selfishly basked in the smile I brought to her face.
Today I did not snap at the waiter because my order took too long because the restaurant was really busy and they were understaffed.
Today I thanked my boss for not being upset when I got back from lunch late because my order took too long…
… and the list goes on. How about you, what have you done that you should have been doing anyway, but for which you deserve a self-awarded nomination for your greatness?
August 31st, 2005 at 3:49 pm
I like the tasks where you abstain from doing something horrible, thereby interpreting the act of doing nothing as doing something positive.
I did not spit in an old woman’s face.
I did not tapdance on baby seals.
I did not take a dump on my neighbor’s back porch…today…
I’m a saint. — P.P.
August 31st, 2005 at 3:59 pm
So what the hell? Are you saying my blog is boring?
Hmmmph. *pouts*
August 31st, 2005 at 4:18 pm
I helped organize a Hurricane Katrina Benefit, which is to say a benefit for the victims of Hurricane Katrina, not to benefit Katrina. Katrina can suck it. ANyway, if you follow the link to my page, all the details are there.
Also, I generously gave of my time to write press releases and make flyers for the event. Okay, technically, my employer gave of my time, since I did all this shit at work, but dammit, I am still a good person. Also, I too have refrained from shitting on my neighbor’s porch, but believe you me, that was a tough one to resist.
August 31st, 2005 at 4:34 pm
Plop: hence your first name?
Andria: not YOU, dahling, never YOU! well, maybe… after you ignored my brilliant comments in one entry.
Chad: Whee! you updated! As far as I can tell, Katrina can really blow too.
August 31st, 2005 at 4:35 pm
I told an unnamed female that I’ll refer to as Tulia that I was going to abuse her mouth next week… does that count in the good or bad column… I’m torn?!?
August 31st, 2005 at 4:39 pm
BP: don’t smack her in the mouth too hard! … I’m guessing she’s going to get torn up also.
August 31st, 2005 at 4:45 pm
I didn’t ignore you!
I’ve heard girls named Tulia (and all the names that sound like it) are major hoars.
I’m just saying.
August 31st, 2005 at 4:48 pm
“Smacking her in the mouth” is not what I had in mind…. impaling it may be the more appropriate term. As far as you… er…. her being torn up, I guess we shall see. ;-)
August 31st, 2005 at 5:10 pm
I offered to loan my friend $150 until her next check comes in so she doesn’t have to worry about her rent check bouncing after she buys her heating oil for the winter. I babysit for her, anytime, and I don’t expect to get paid because I know by giving her reliable childcare at a moments notice will help her (and her children) in the long run. It’s not her fault her husband is a crackhead.
August 31st, 2005 at 5:20 pm
WCG: I keep forgetting to tell you that one of my readers (and a real-life friend) named RioTexxas, who NEVER comments but always reads, says he wants to boink you … actually, he said “bang her like a storm-door in a hurricane” … no, wait, *I* said that, he said “fuck”. Anyway, he’s hot and he’s married but so are you … so I suggest you arrange a swap-thingie and also arrange for me to photograph the proceedings. He also says that I am “built like a racehorse and very fuckable”. Now you know why I like him.
August 31st, 2005 at 5:23 pm
I didn’t tell the ugly troll at work, who talks to much while i’m trying to watch video coverage of Katina and the Iraqi Stampede, to “shut the fuck up” so i can hear my personal use of network resources. I camly hit pause, and waited for her dumbass to finish up her blah blah blah. Ain’t i a peach?!
August 31st, 2005 at 5:50 pm
I did not fart in the elevator. I really wanted to and was more than able, but I restrained myself.
Oh and I did not run a nun down with my car.
August 31st, 2005 at 6:11 pm
Today I did not crawl under my desk and fall asleep.
Today I did not scream at the woman with the annoying speech impediment in my office.
Today I did not not make two blog entries in one afternoon.
August 31st, 2005 at 8:34 pm
I did not do anything at all.
August 31st, 2005 at 8:54 pm
I gave a much needed breath mint to a close talker.
I allowed my boss to stare at my tits without zipping up my shirt to my chin.
I took the time to say hello here to a friend I haven’t chatted w/much lately even though my arm is fucken broken & I’m typing one handed.
And I DID shit on my neighbor’s porch; but I DIDN’T ring the doorbell and run to watch him step out into it.
August 31st, 2005 at 10:28 pm
Today I showed great restraint from cussing when I had to retype my entire entry in your comment box because I didn’t put in my email address.
Today I thought about being nice… tomorrow.
Today I didn’t tug on superman’s cape.
Today I didn’t spit into the wind.
Today I didn’t pull the mask on the old Lone Ranger.
and Today I didn’t mess around with Jim. (this will be really lost if you don’t know the song ‘Bad Bad Leroy Brown’ by Jim Croce.)
September 1st, 2005 at 6:45 am
I complimented a lady I work with on her lasagna when really it was nasty. I deserve a prize because she’s lucky I even chose to talk to her in the first place.
September 1st, 2005 at 7:37 am
What if I farted in the elevator, then looked at the lil old lady next to me like she was a monster? Does that classify me as evil? I think not, just considerate of my own feelings. She didn’t have long to live anyhoo. Jeesh, she was at least 60.
September 1st, 2005 at 8:34 am
Kelli: Continuing in the vein of sainthood, I won’t publically announce that you broke your arm while literally falling down drunk.
Ted: When, oh when are you going to come out and play darts with me again? (heh, I said “come out”
Holy hell!!! the apocalypse is indeed upon us! First the plague, then the floods … and now both of my Irish-lineage real-life friends comment here!
Everyone else: I can’t top you so I won’t even try. :-D
September 1st, 2005 at 9:14 am
Farting in elevators is my God-given right. And yes, I AM a boring writer! Boredom is my middle name! I intend to bottle and sell it whenever possible. Wait, my middle name is Maudlin actually. But that’s beside the point.
September 1st, 2005 at 11:59 am
Today I did not look at your erotica whilst at work.
September 1st, 2005 at 12:18 pm
I did not punch JewelrySlut in the face (though she did ask for it)
I did not urinate on the carpet
I did not staple myself to my desk
September 1st, 2005 at 12:24 pm
NGD: does this mean that you *did* rub Schmuppie’s face in her own poop? I forgot to add that to your comments as a possible potty-training device.
September 1st, 2005 at 12:45 pm
I told my kids they aren’t really adopted…but if they kept it up, adoption would be a prevalent word in their life.
I told my mother I’m not really bi sexual. And I’m not. Not really.
I decided to forgive the pompous, self-important fuckstick who cost me $150 in airfare because he was too busy courting his eyebrow-less girfriend to tell me that I was un-invited to his home. And then I came to my senses and made a voodoo doll in his likeness. Stick pin, anyone?
September 1st, 2005 at 12:50 pm
Crystal: Can we break the “stick pin” off the voodoo doll and use that to make the doll go fuck itself?
September 1st, 2005 at 1:05 pm
Why, yes, I think we can.
Excuse me. I need to go buy thicker stick pins.
September 1st, 2005 at 1:51 pm
Today I did not tell the stupid twat on the phone that I was surprised she was still able to breathe, she sucked so much.
You know. It’s hard to breathe when all you do is suck…
September 1st, 2005 at 2:51 pm
Today I brushed my teeth.
I also let my husband beat me at golf. Because although I’m not math genius even I can figure out that “4 do-overs” does not a par make.
Oh yes. Today I didn’t smoke. For the 6th day in a row. That may or may not get me into heaven, but I had to brag about it anyway.
Love this entry, DK! As always, funny and smart. Just like you.
September 2nd, 2005 at 3:19 am
Those homeless people and their dogs. Always not quite getting in the way and making all our lives better.
September 2nd, 2005 at 9:22 am
The Fool: If boredom is your middle name you’ll be right at home at my blog! It’ll cure you, you know.
DK: You’re joking, right? Doink not-so-little ol’ me? First NGD tells me I’m not really all that fat and now some strange married man wants to make a home for his Great White Anaconda of Love in my Soft Prairie of Wantoness*. Holy hell, I think I have self esteem now!
*An actual quote from one of my brother’s friends.
September 2nd, 2005 at 11:53 am
Cole: welcome back!
WCG: I’m as serious as a heart attack. He likes your attitude; he thinks you are spunky and thus fuckable.
September 2nd, 2005 at 2:43 pm
You know me, always fashionably late.
September 5th, 2005 at 11:33 pm
Today I informed someone at Target that couch slipcovers either (a) rip or (b) fall off before they wasted $100 buying one.
I also helped my friend prepare a veggie tray for a party because her stupid husband didn’t buy the pre-cut veggies.
And I played dominoes with a friend, even though I hate playing dominoes.