Bathroom Humour
So, I was at myPub™ last night (why do so many of my stories start with those words?) I had been retaining water for a few days and my body had gone into “flush mode”, so I was tinkling a lot. Having a bladder the size of a peanut doesn’t help, so I was toddling off to the bathroom with ridiculous frequency. The last time I went, the stupid toilet would not flush. I wiggled the handle. Nothing. I asked it nicely. No response. I called it an ugly name. It just stared complacently back at me. I slunk dejectedly out to the bar to find our intrepid barback.
| DK: | Hey Nick, I … uh … |
| Nick: | I’ve never seen you get embarrassed before. What’d you do block the toilet or something? |
| DK: | [blushing] Oh godde! |
| Nick: | bwahahaha |
| DK: | Shut.Up. Would you fix it please? |
| Nick: | Sure, let’s go … |
| DK: | Why do I have to come with you??? |
| Nick: | [sighing and rolling his eyes] So you can check to make sure there isn’t anybody in there. |
| . . . | |
| . . . | |
| DK: | Look! See? That’s my tinkle … and look, it won’t flush! |
. . . and it flushed. But not near as much as I did.
Earlier in the evening, when I first arrived, I was standing at the bar chatting with my gorgeous young friend, Laura. The bartender, Beef, was ragging on Laura about something and when I asked what was going on, Laura explained that there was a 15-year old boy sitting across the bar playing trivia. His parents were sitting at a table behind him with the pub’s owner. Apparently, said boy had been positively drooling over Laura and Beef was trying to bribe her with a free drink to go over and say Hi to the kid. As soon as I arrived she talked me into accompanying her. What? I know, it’s a huge surprise that I would do that! Little shy, retiring DK. We introduced ourselves, chatted briefly, watched his sweet little face turn beet-red while he stammered out one or two monosyllabic responses, then, believing our work to be done, we returned, giggling, to our station. About ten minutes later the young gentlemen was frantically waving at me and calling out to me to rejoin him.
| Kid: | Hey, come sit with me and help me play trivia! |
| DK: | You don’t know much about blondes do you? We’re not very smart. |
| Kid: | Oh, I know you’re joking! . . . How old are you anyway? 30? |
| . . . | [DK’s ego inflates to +100] … |
| DK: | [giggles delightedly and slaps resounding kiss on kid’s cheek] … and you? 18, right? |
| Kid: | I wish! |
| DK: | Oh now, don’t wish your life away, dahling! |
| Kid: | My grandma always says that. |
| . . . | [DK’s ego deflates to -3] |
When the kid went to leave with his parents and the pub owner, the owner hugged me and thanked me for humouring the kid and keeping him company. She said: “Only you would have done that!” That was a compliment, right? Right?
Somewhere between the Kid Chat and the Bathroom Incident I was gyrating to a song which was playing on the jukebox. Jagoff and Beef started egging me on to get up on the bar and dance à la Coyote Ugly-style. I graciously declined. Jagoff rudely offered me $20. I re-declined. Jagoff doubled his offer … to make a short story shorter, I’ll be dancing on the bartop a week from Saturday. Bring your $20’s! No loose change, please. And no Monopoly™ money either.
September 16th, 2005 at 1:52 pm
*sigh* Young boys, if not overly shy and greasy, really are a lot of fun. I love that age — and no, you pervs, not for the reason you think. I just enjoy watching them come into their own. Oh, stoppit with the come jokes. Seriously, DK, I would’ve been right there with you.
September 16th, 2005 at 1:54 pm
Xquzme: He was absolutely adorable, very respectful, and quite funny. He told everybody around us that I was his new girlfriend!
September 16th, 2005 at 2:42 pm
You do realize that, due to this encounter, the minute the kid got home he went to his closet and flogged his crank like a rat pounding the cocaine lever in the behavioral lab.
I hope you can live with yourself :-)
September 16th, 2005 at 2:54 pm
::::Clapping with tremendous gusto:::: *I* myself think it’s ‘angelic’ of you to give that sweet boy years of fantasy material……..with which to flogg his proverbial knob………my cudos, darlin.Superb Job !
September 16th, 2005 at 4:36 pm
ReeeeeeeOHHHHHHHHHHHH!!! FINALLY you comment here instead of by email. My heavens I just slid off my chair in excitement at your powerful vocabulary. You need to make another trip to Houston so we can go get drunk. You would LOVE this pub!
Cattywhumpuss: I swear, the kid *begged* me for another kiss on his cheek … and he was devastated when I went back to join the grown-ups. I suppose it was a tad wicked of us girls to flank the boy and bring our bodacious ta-tas within a hair’s breadth of his arms. Heh … you too should come visit me! I miss you!
September 16th, 2005 at 5:23 pm
DK, dahling, you don’t have to resort to these “oh, gosh, I can’t flush the toilet, big strong man, can you help me?” type of tactics to get a man. Surely, you could be more clever in your pick up schemes.
September 16th, 2005 at 6:19 pm
Oh God…. my son is 15…. All I can see is my son….. Did I say OH GOD??
September 16th, 2005 at 10:28 pm
I rebuilt the toilet in my house. I’m good with my hands so if you ever, you know, need help around the bedro…bathro…errr…house, just let me know. Oh yes, and it’s spelled HUMOR.
September 17th, 2005 at 9:59 am
if only his parents where not there. oh you know you wanted to get nick alone in the jon. You may have blushed but it is all a act. “man why not me”
September 17th, 2005 at 3:00 pm
Regarding your proposal. I am well aware of my “shortcomings.” I regretfully must decline your invitation primarily due to a critical shortage of viagra in my state. As to the gayness of my last post, what can I say? If you have a tiny penis, you must work the sensitive and caring angle. I am hopeful that my refusal of your proposition does not scar your ego in anyway. Please, no more begging. It is so un-British.
September 17th, 2005 at 7:56 pm
Gosh Chunk, I’m crushed. Traumatised I tell you! I may never again be able to spell out a j.o.k.e. in anybodys comments.
September 17th, 2005 at 8:36 pm
I’m from Tennessee, naturally I cannot spell.
September 18th, 2005 at 11:42 am
Geez, if you’d just pee in the front bushes like I do you wouldn’t have that problem. *rolls eyes*
September 18th, 2005 at 11:52 am
Now, DK, if you had actually RUBBED your bodacious ta-tas on the boy whilst he was trying to play trivia, THAT would have been a true act of kindness…or maybe not, because then he would never stop playing a little five on one.
And WCG, really. Peeing in front is so gauche. You have to pee on the side of the dumpster in back to be truly high class.
September 18th, 2005 at 8:33 pm
I’ll throw Canadian money. It’s almost worth as much as American money, and dames like it because it’s so freakin’ “pretty”.