Liquid Diet
With the holidays arriving faster than a premature ejaculator, some of you may be thinking about losing a couple of pounds. Well, I have the diet for YOU! I’m talking rapid weight-loss with NO exercise! You can literally sit on your arse and still lose weight! Best of all, it’s absolutely FREE!
Here’s how it works:
Step One: Take a perfectly innocent-seeming loaf of normal white bread (can be purchased just about anywhere). Store the bread in your microwave oven for two weeks (keeps the bread fresh). Inspect the bread regularly to make sure it is still soft and also free of any little fuzzy green patches. After the two weeks have elapsed, remove two slices of the bread, inspect it again (including the sniff test) and then toast the bread and happily munch on it for a nice, light snack. Wait one hour.
Step Two: Notice a vague queasiness in the pit of your stomach. Think to self “Huh, that’s weird, I feel slightly nauseas!” Wait one hour.
Step Three: Note the vague queasiness seems sort of . . . well . . . worse. Decide to pop into the bathroom for a minute just to humour the stomach.
Step Four: Projectile vomit into a trashcan while sitting on the lavatory shooting a stream of liquid fire out of your nether regions.
Step Five: Crawl into bed. Wait 20-30 minutes.
Step Six: Shoot out of bed and bolt back to bathroom. Repeat Step Four. Lay down on bathroom floor thinking longingly of the soft bed you recently vacated. Think about calling 911 for help. Realise you are too weak to get off the floor. Think about crawling to the phone. Realise the very idea of an ambulance ride is making you nauseas again before your 20-minute cycle is complete.
Step Seven: Feel sufficiently recovered to try the bed again. Wait 20-30 minutes. Repeat Steps Four through Six for the next SEVEN hours. Intersperse bodily evacuations with periods of lying on the bathroom floor thinking you are dying. Then wishing you were dying and wishing it could be faster.
Step Eight: Offer up heartfelt and tearful thanks to the inventor of baby wipes.
Do not be alarmed if your stomach has completely emptied by the sixth hour and you are still forcibly vomiting blood and/or stomach bile. This is all a perfectly natural part of the diet plan. Oh, sure, you may have to forfeit a night’s sleep, but as with any effective diet, you must be prepared to stay committed!
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Author’s Note: It turned out to be a stomach virus!
November 18th, 2005 at 1:49 pm
That is why I don’t buy stuff from the store.
November 18th, 2005 at 1:50 pm
Except beer, of course. Beer does not go bad unless you cool it and heat it and cool it again.
November 18th, 2005 at 1:50 pm
Ewww. I got the flu once that was exactly the same. I lost 12 pounds in four days.
November 18th, 2005 at 1:53 pm
SurferBoy: it was somebody who drank way too much beer who also purchased the bread. I suspect he was planning ahead of time to poison me.
Andria: Oh way to out-weight-loss me, hoar! I only lost 3 pounds overnight.
November 18th, 2005 at 2:07 pm
Why keep your bread in a microwave anyway?
I keep it in the fridge until it walks off…
I also know better to eat anything in my kitchen that is not liquid and beer or fozen so solid that it takes too long to thaw, so I don’t eat it anyway…
November 18th, 2005 at 2:13 pm
Bread kept in the fridge usually stales within 24 hours. It has something to do with the starch molecules in the bread crystallizing. Room temperature bread stored in a container (such as a microwave) that minimises moisture loss keeps the bread fresher (and softer) for longer. Personally, I usually freeze my bread and toast it.
November 18th, 2005 at 2:37 pm
Oh, the bread goes in the microwave? But…What if you have to cook something in it? What’s that smell? GOD, gotta run the Microwave’s on fire!
November 18th, 2005 at 2:45 pm
Who lets bread sit for 2 weeks? I go through a loaf of bread in about 3 days.
Also, bourbon tends to kill anything in your bloodstream/stomach/glass that ain’t supposed to be in there. Keep a healthy level of bourbon in your system/cupboards/glove box, at all times.
xxoo Rik
November 18th, 2005 at 3:24 pm
Tequila…
If you really want somthing to calm your stomach in the pangs of food poisioning, try a prarrie fire.
Mix a good amount of tobasco with a shot of tequila.
Makes that food poisioning seem mild…
November 18th, 2005 at 4:45 pm
Hmmm, sounds suspiciously like the “diet” I had once in the early 90’s. The ham sandwhich from HELL. I never ate there again. And I concur with Rik; how the hell does a loaf of bread last 2 weeks? You should have had me there dear; I have the Bionic Nose.
November 18th, 2005 at 5:01 pm
Perhaps my *not* scarfing down loaves of bread on a regular basis would explain one of the reasons why I am in such good physical shape? Hmm?
November 18th, 2005 at 5:31 pm
I eat a lot of bread an i’m a specimen of health.
*ahem*
Ok well, at least i look good.
*ahem*
Ok, it’s a beer-belly, not a bread-belly!
November 18th, 2005 at 6:05 pm
Aren’t you supposed to put food INTO your mouth? This isn’t England where they go the opposite direction you know. But wait, when I was in the UK I noticed that they ate the same way we did. Food goes in, swallow, etc etc. I need to ponder on this for a bit. Don’t do anything until I get back to you.
November 18th, 2005 at 8:55 pm
I am interested to know if you chose a favorite of the samples of copy I provided for the poison-bread-leaver-flyers. Do tell.
November 19th, 2005 at 12:20 am
Why go to all that trouble growing mold on a slice of bread for two weeks when the bartender at Carrabba’s can get it done for you. And in nicer surroundings, for that matter.
November 19th, 2005 at 2:01 am
I think you can get the same results by merely eating a pack of smokes. Oh sure it tastes terrible, but it sure beats waiting two weeks for this miracle diet.
If you can’t afford cigarettes, then just eat some Mexican food.
November 19th, 2005 at 11:30 am
Ewwwwwww. Did you throw the remainder of the bread on the floor and stomp angrily upon it yet? Because that seems like the next logical step. Unless you want to save it to get rid of three more pesky pounds.
November 19th, 2005 at 5:19 pm
I must try that. But you silly brit, if you would let a little green stuff grow on the bread and then consume it, voilla, instant health. that must be the secret to my success.
November 19th, 2005 at 8:35 pm
Holy Diver! that is perfect! I will start right now!
November 21st, 2005 at 2:07 pm
Hey, that’s right. Antibiotics come from mold. Therefore, it must be eating FRESH food that makes people sick…
November 21st, 2005 at 2:44 pm
Great post. Interesting diet idea. Does it only work with bread, or can I use cake as a substitute?
Also, do you think this is actually how Jerod from Subway lost all that weight? He probably just ate two-week old sub buns for 6 months straight.
November 21st, 2005 at 3:37 pm
You probably had the flu that has been running rampant through the U.S. In all seriousness, my whole family (extended family, as well) and everyone in my workplace has had the exact same thing. It’s a stomach flu and the doctor told me they have dispensed a RECORD number of prescriptions for Fenurgen (sp?) this year.
Or maybe it was the bread.
November 21st, 2005 at 4:08 pm
I’m sorry. I’ve been there many times. I once lost 10 lbs in one afternoon. That was impressive. Thought I was going to die. For me, I skip the bread and go staright to shellfish and cheese.
November 21st, 2005 at 4:13 pm
I have to admit, I think Crystal has it nailed. After hearing of others having the exact same experience I am going to revise my initial diagnosis. I now believe that a huge number of people recently ate potentially poisonous bread. That or it’s a nasty stomach virus making its rounds. It’s still an effective quickie diet though.
November 22nd, 2005 at 1:42 pm
oh my god that is horendous…does it really work? just kidding. I have finally made it to the eat well and work out to lose weight portion of my life. It took a while but I’m here. In the words of Anna Nicole Smith, “liiike maahh bodee?”