Every year for the past four consecutive years, I have contracted influenza in December . . . except I don’t recall signing a contract for this deal. Every four years. Always in December. I’m not talking about the sniffles, the ladylike little kitten sneezes, the faint echo of a mouse cough. I’m talking the 20-gallons-of-phlegm-per-hour, elephant-trumpeting-sobbing-bellows, crawling-to-the-bathroom-on-hands-and-knees, crying-in-pitiful-self-misery variety. My back is screaming from being prone for days on end. In the middle of this maelstrom of snot, my period started. I have swallowed nearly as many drugs in the past week as C0urtney L0ve on a first date. I think I’m actually in withdrawal now. I simply could not eat for three days (and believe me, I like my food!) and lost four pounds. Somebody cheerfully pointed out in the Pun of the Year “but on a lighter note, losing four pounds isn’t so bad”. Uh huh. Can’t argue with that one.

And thus starts the Domino Effect. The flu causes back pain … taking anti-inflammatories for the back pain stirs up the acid reflux … which will cause insomnia … which will lead to homicidal mood swings . . . which means no get-drunk-and-have-random-mediocre-sex-with-a-questionable-stranger (which carries an automatic Get Out of Jail Free Card as long as it is NYE or your birthday) . . . so, do you still want a body like mine?

Which brings us to the present moment, here I am on New Year’s Eve . . . hacking away like the Wicked Witch and actually planning to try to get out for a while tonight. I am exhausted and yet stir-crazy. I am seriously considering digging out a white tee-shirt and handwriting on it: “Do NOT kiss me at midnight. (I have the bubonic plague)”. No doubt some jackass will still try to plant the lip-lock on me anyway. I just hope he/she is a cute jackass with a great immune system.

Four.Years.In.A.Row. Look, I don’t know who you are or what I’ve done to piss you off, but please, put down the pin and step away from the fucking voodoo doll!!!!

Current Mood: *hack*

This entry was posted on Saturday, December 31st, 2005 at 4:22 pm and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.