I have come to the alarming conclusion that life in and of itself does not come to a convenient pause when it is time to move. Despite that my time and energy are mandatorily being diverted to the never-ending packing process, other chores continue to demand attention. The kats are insisting that they still need to be medicated and fed. Well, ok, not the medicated part. Toilets still need to be flushed. Food still needs to be consumed, and in some cases, actually prepared! Mr. Buzzy still needs fresh batteries. Laundry will not wash itself, let alone hang itself back in the wardrobe. When, oh when, will somebody invent the perfect ManBot to take care of all my needs?????

Nothing is going to move by itself.

Except anything you need to lay your hands on at a moment’s notice. The item then mysteriously relocates itself to somewhere other than where you swore you left it last.

Items that came with their very own specialty customised exact-fit styrofoam shipping containers will no longer fit into the container.

It is best not to use fragile items as a hammer in such a situation.

Always remember to empty your nightstand drawer.

Do not leave hair-ties laying around unless you want to see one of the kats happily playing soccer with it.

Packing tape dispensers have very sharp, flesh-piercing teeth.

Nobody really wants to help you pack and/or move, they’re just being nice to sort-of offer to help. (I’m including myself in this one.)

Anything you pack early will be needed again before the move. The buried location of the item will be in direct anti-correlation co-inefficiency to the urgency of its need.

Unsealed boxes of styrofoam confetti should be kept out of reach of nosy, thieving kats.

It is always better to swig adult beverages while packing (but only because it lightens the load).

Try to avoid screaming and falling off of a stepladder when the desiccated corpse of a tree roach falls out of . . . well, just about anything.

When calling any utility company to cancel or transfer service, be prepared to speak in idiotese for the unhelpful wrong department moron who puts you on hold for 27 minutes.

If you get connected to the right person in the right department in less than two hours, but more than one hour, politely suggest that said company sends over one of their personnel to pick up the slack for the hour’s worth of packing you have lost because of them.

Try to remember the window is open before pacing around the room yelling at the on-hold music robot. Not that it matters because you are moving out anyway.

In closing, I would like to say a heartfelt FUCK YOU to Reliant Energy for (1) denying receipt of my last payment; (2) calling Bank of America a liar even after the bank faxed over proof of payment and proof of receipt; (3) agreeing to transfer our 3-way conference call to a supervisor but instead dumping us back into the general waiting queue … for 15 minutes; (4) after 45 minutes of spouting bullshit, offering to transfer my service as a “courtesy”; (5) then and only then informing me that you cannot turn on the power at my new residence until the day AFTER I move-in. Congratulations, you win the DK Award of Arseholeness for Today.

This entry was posted on Friday, February 24th, 2006 at 3:50 pm and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.