Blonde Luck
Do other girls enjoy shopping at home improvements stores? It’s like having the best of both worlds: shopping and testosterone. I get to wander around scratching my imaginary balls while comparing the merits of the wood screw versus the metal screw [it’s all good just so long as the screw is lengthy enough]. I can be just fake-guy enough to feel independent yet just girl-enough to get the male employees to trip over themselves to help me with my plumbing needs. Trust me, I’m not just the mini-Barbie-with-a-digital-camera you have all come to know and love. After all, I own a cordless drill, a set of good screwdrivers, a staple gun, several pairs of pliers, and multiple useless sizes of hooks, screws, nails, etc. I actually have my own toolbox. And, no, it’s not pink.
When I left the store it was still daylight. In fact, it was a clear, sunny day. However, being an alert individual of the female variety, I always check out my surroundings. You know, for potential rapists/muggers/hot guys. After adjusting my baseball cap and hitching my drawers, I glanced around the car park in a don’t-even-THINK-about-mugging-me antagonistic glare. I then strutted towards my car which was princess-parked at the very front of the store, hitting my door-unlock button on the way so as to save that one-thousandth of a second of my precious time. The perky little chime went off and without breaking stride I whipped open the driver’s side door . . . AND WAS STUNNED TO FIND SOME STRANGE GUY SITTING IN MY PASSENGER SEAT!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Now, true to form, my initial thought was comedic … something along the lines of “Jeez, if my stalker gets any lazier, I’ll have to pick him up in the mornings!” … and then the reality of the situation hit me with the shock-force of breaking a fingernail right before a job interview. It dawned on me: There Is A Strange Man In My Fucking Car!!!!! Even though the next few seconds seemed like a mere heartbeat in time, I’m pretty sure I just stood there gaping for an entire minute. I mean, this guy was just sitting there looking all cool in his bloody designer sunglasses. Not only that, but he’d been passing the time waiting for me by reading a newspaper which he had casually strewn all over the place AND he had treated himself to a nice cup of coffee while he was along for the ride!!! I’d like to say that my mind was ablaze with a fireworks display of conflicting thoughts, but being blonde my only thought was “Um, is it too late for me to scream to try to attract attention … or should I flash my boobs at somebody?” Astoundingly, some part of my brain had already acknowledged that there were no police patrol cars within half a mile, nor were there any unarmed cellphone-bearing buttcrack-exposing three-toothed security guards anywhere to be seen. So, much to my horror, I was on my own.
Fortunately, I have read the chain emails about safety precautions. I know to glance around my surroundings, I know to walk confidently and as though I’m secretly hiding a large penis in my panties, I know to keep my finger hovering over the panic button on my keyring so that everybody around me knows I have forgotten where I parked. I know to check under my car in case a would-be attacker is hiding there so I can run him over as I back out.
Apparently, what I don’t know is how to tell the difference between my own vehicle and that of the blind guy sitting in his wife’s unlocked car which is the same make/model/colour and parked directly adjacent to mine.
I’m just glad he didn’t pepper-spray me.
March 27th, 2006 at 12:43 pm
Hahahahaha!! That’s so funny.
I did that once. I came out of the mall, and there were four or five white Toyota Corollas all parked within twenty spots of each other, and I had no fucking clue which one was mine, and I almost got in the wrong one. So I decided to put a trashy nascar sticker on mine so I can avoid such cluelessness in the future.
March 27th, 2006 at 12:57 pm
I am with Andria. A little something to stand out. I picked up a litle chromed radiation symboly for my tailgate (goes with the whole Nuke persona LoL).
Anyway I am glad you are all right. I was getting to the end and tensing up (altho I figured if it had been realy bad you wouldn’t have been round to write it). So at the end I let out a good chuckle and relaxed.
But I gotta say, my car or theirs, I still woulda filled my drawers when I realized he was there.
Take care of yourself, and for cripes sake drop 97 cents for a bmuper sticker.
Nuke
March 27th, 2006 at 1:04 pm
The problem with bumper stickers (aside from the fact they look so tacky) is that you have to be approaching the vehicle from the BACK, not the side. Oy.
March 27th, 2006 at 3:38 pm
Well, get yourself a pair of fuzzy dice then. And just what the fuck is a blind guy doing reading a newspaper???
March 27th, 2006 at 4:42 pm
I was trying to figure out the blind guy reading the paper, too……………. and a while back, a boyfriend of mine kinda set up something along the same line at the cinema. My boyfriend drove up in front of the cinema, I hopped out to check movie listings and times, while he was waiting in his vehicle……………while I was doing my movie time memorization……..an almost exact replica of his car drove up behind him, and he decided to see if I’d get in the wrong car……………………………………Of course, I did…………………..jumped in , turned to a shocked male driver and started to reel off movies & times…..instead I gasped and said ” oh gawdddddd …………..did I get in the wrong car ?? ” and he burst into laughter and pointed to my boyfriend in his car laughing his azz off…………heh That was a fun day ! God love that guy…he kept me gigglin !!
March 27th, 2006 at 5:16 pm
I suppose it’s just a bit too difficult for you girls to make the leap in logic that the newspaper belonged to the wife? It was probably also her coffee cup.
I thought about fuzzy dice, additional Mardi Gras beads, the county-mandatory gun rack, front-mounted deer antlers or steer horns, additional roof-mounted fog lights … but then my vehicle would look the same as the other 50% around it.
March 27th, 2006 at 5:22 pm
Better to be lucky than …. anything else.
March 28th, 2006 at 1:36 pm
Jeez, we just axe a question and you get all huffy…
March 28th, 2006 at 7:57 pm
Ouch. So did you flash the blind guy your boobs?
March 29th, 2006 at 12:19 am
The fact that the guy was blind truly makes that one a classic.
March 29th, 2006 at 8:09 am
It is way to early to be laughing this hard hahahaahahhahaahha
March 29th, 2006 at 12:35 pm
JEA-SUS CHRI-EEST! And you thought my continuing to taste and evalute my Wood chip snacks was dumb!! You can’t even keep track of a car. Nice work I’m surprised he didn’t sic his seeing eye dog on you.
March 29th, 2006 at 2:38 pm
dumbass
April 10th, 2006 at 11:27 am
Oh. My. Gawd.
I’ve done that. I wound up sitting in my “parents’” van for a whole hour thinking, “Wow, it sure is clean in here,” before realizing that it was not their car. No one notcied, thank Christ, and you’re the first person I’ve told this to.
So keep yer gob shut, yahearme? *grin*
I own a toolbox, too. I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.