Once upon a time, a good male friend and I got very drunk, very naked, very passed-out, and very hungover — by amazing coincidence, in that exact order! … what we did *not* get, however, was laid (due to the aforementioned progression of events). Somewhere between naked and hungover my friend managed to inspect the contents of my nightstand drawer. Aside from being the residence of Mr. Buzzy and chums, I also keep a supply of condoms handy. I don’t know how this works for other people, but my exes had varying taste in condoms, with the most common preference being “Do I really have to wear one?”. (Answer: Yes.) In more than one instance I ended the relationship before I ended the supply of his particular Trojan style. (Hell, in some cases I barely gave them time to remove the condom before kicking them out.) Hence, I had two different types of condom in the drawer, including a sizable [cough] supply of Magnums. My friend, who claims to be an “average” guy (I have yet to find out for myself) recoiled in horror upon seeing the Magnums and ever since has accused me of being a Size Queen. Add to this the fact that during Girls Night Out I once (OK, several times) made reference to a certain ex-boyfriend’s rather pathetic stature in the phallic department. We’re talking 4.5 inches fully erect here, AND lacking girth, and maybe it wasn’t really that cool of me to ask if it was available in adult size, but there you have it. So the girls also believe me to be a Size Queen. Allow me to be absolutely clear: Size Matters. But, I am NOT a damn Size Queen. I’m a small girl in every area but my heart and my sense of humour. I’m 5′0″ tall and have all of my original plumbing, so do the arithmetic as to my approximate torso length and the subsequent availability of internal depth. Size Matters in both directions — both too small AND too big. Average works just fine for me. In fact, anything between 5.5 and 6.5 inches works just fine. Half an inch to either side of that is acceptable, no more and no less. Are we clear yet?

Purely for the sake of scientific research and to quell my own curiousity and most importantly to reassure my average guy-friends, I decided to conduct some testing regarding condom sizes. Here is what I found out: both regular condoms AND Magnums are 7-inches long (bet some of you have never had to unroll one that far to know they were that long, huh? oops… sorry). However, Magnums are 2.25-inches wide, while regulars are “only” 2-inches wide. That’s a piddling quarter of an inch, guys!! There, don’t you feel better now? Of course, now some of the bigger guys won’t feel so big, but hell, I can’t please everybody all of the time. Oh, and guys, one more thing. When you measure it, and you *all* do, measure it from the base of the unit that faces your beer gut, not from the base of your spine. And then try really hard not to add on a half to one inch (or more) when you verbally advertise your wares. You have what nature gave you so don’t brag like you were personally responsible for its installation.

And now since I destroyed my personal supply in conducting this research, *somebody* (and you know who you are) owes me a pack of *regular* rubbers (I want to try the ones with the self-warming lubricant)… and if he doesn’t ante them up, I’m going to re-post this essay with his real name in it.

I swear, the lengths I will go to in order to entertain you guys …

Current Mood: impressed

This entry was posted on Friday, February 4th, 2005 at 12:09 am and is filed under Naughty. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.