Insecticide
We’ve all had our share of embarrassing house pests from time to time. And, no, I am not referring to that friend you invited over for the weekend who didn’t leave for the next three weeks. What I am referring to here are the type of pests that you are legally able to kill and to dispose of the bodies. . . . I said legally.
I have recently been overrun by small, black, crawling, flying insects. Not just any small, black, crawling, flying insects, but alcoholic ones!! Which pretty much runs par for the course with my recent luck. I couldn’t just get an outbreak of oh, say, your common-or-garden mega-flying-flesh-eating cockroach. Oh, no, I had to get FRUIT FLIES. Which apparently is a misnomer because said fruit flies also enjoy vegetables. Including onions and fresh garlic. So much for the rustic touch of having a bag o’garlic hanging from a hook in the kitchen. I might have actually come close to fooling somebody that I like to cook. Which I don’t. Because, let’s face it, cooking is wimminz work.
It’s not that I really minded sharing the fruits and veggies with the flies, but to my absolute shock and horror I discovered that [readers with anxiety problems may wish to stop here] . . . the fruit flies also absolutely LOVE Chardonnay. MY Chardonnay. My unattended minding-its-own-business glass of Chardonnay. Which I left sitting innocently on the kitchen counter and thence returned to find approximately 17 fruit flies bathing in it. Bathing, doing the breaststroke (there must have been some female flies along for the ride), insulting one another’s mothers, dancing very badly, and staggering around on the rim of the glass like, well, like drunks.
After disposing of all suspicious-looking “healthy” foods and barricading the remainder in the fridge, I called in the professionals and had them spray toxic chemicals around my kitchen and dining area. I expect a third arm to start growing out of my ribcage any day now.
Meantime, I came up with an ingenious scheme to keep the hardiest survivors out of my damn wine. Nothing beats drinking boxed wine decanted into the adult version of a sippy cup.
Current Mood: 
Cheers!
June 9th, 2006 at 3:17 pm
Wine from a sippy cup: You’re my kind of woman, and I’m not even a lesbian!
June 9th, 2006 at 3:22 pm
P.S. - I had an influx of June bugs recently. *gags*
P.P.S. - The floating cat head is starting to scare me. I’ve been staring at it for, like, five minutes, and I think it just told me to blow up the capitol building.
June 9th, 2006 at 3:35 pm
Hahaha… I love the idea of you drinking your box of wine out of a sippy cup. That’s an ingenius plan, indeed. Or, you know, you could just stick the box spout directly into your mouth.
Hoar.
June 9th, 2006 at 4:03 pm
They used to sell Jim Beam & Coke IN A CAN. Can you believe it? Anyway those things were perfect in those beer hats with the straws. That’s my suggestion. You’ll just have to find smaller boxes of wine, or you could use juice boxes
MN that state is huge.
Yeah i thought about tipping a glass with you last week until i looked at the map and saw that Houston is almost in another time zone than Dallas. DA
June 9th, 2006 at 9:53 pm
Were the fruit flies having an orgy in your glass? Those hoars!
Although the sippy cup idea is a pretty good idea…there won’t be any alcohol abuse. (no spillage) Waste not want not!
June 10th, 2006 at 8:18 am
Or…you could set a glass of wine spiked with RAID out on your counter. They come in for a sip and BLA
O! They’re dead. Then you can enjoy your wine in peace. I wish I still had your addy, I have an extra sippy cup here I can send you. 
June 10th, 2006 at 11:31 am
I’ll be updating this story in my next post just for you!
June 11th, 2006 at 1:45 am
Classy! I knew you were a BABE, but a BABY?! I had no idea!