Fight Club
As some of you may remember, I was recently brainwashed by an evil white devil who forced me to sit through hours of UFC. Such was the extent of the mental re-programming that I found myself involuntarily glued to the televised fights even when The Beau wasn’t around.
As a result, I have developed a classic case of Stockholm Syndrome and have begun to identify with my mind-control captors new heroes. Despite the clamouring voices in my head, I will not alienate many of my readers with unnecessary details. Rather, I will share with you the following stalker fan letter that I am hoping will be brought to the attention of my favourite fighter:
Dear Tito Ortiz,
I am your greatest fan ever. No, really, I am. I understand that you probably get all kinds of letters and emails from some pretty major whackos — but I am really just a regular, run-of-the-mill, crazy, hot chick. (ALL hot chicks are crazy. I did not make up this rule, so please don’t hold me responsible, it’s just the way it works. According to my guy friends.) Of course, being as I am crazy, it is quite possible that I am only “hot” in my own mind. Along with my staunch belief in Panty Claws, I can live with that. Or so the voices tell me.
But, I digress (another of my endearing habits). This guy I am dating introduced me to UFC a few months ago and for the first time in my life (if you don’t count collecting kats, dragons, and ex-boyfriends) I am thoroughly addicted!! I was in awe of the practical, tough, yet sensitive manner in which you trained your team. I am sure my approval means the world to you . . . right? My Beau is a great guy, he actively encouraged me to write to you and make an arse of myself express my admiration for your martial arts talents. Of course, by “actively encouraged” I mean “he almost choked on his laughter”. As it happens, The Beau is not only trained in Mauy Thai, but he also has known Ken Shamrock on a casual basis for about three years. For some utterly incomprehensible reason, The Beau feels some insane sense of loyalty to your “bitter rival”. Personally, I do not … uh … personalise my fighter loyalties. But, you and I both know that you are the greatest. The Beau does not understand this. The Beau is also of the ridiculous opinion that you would not return my undying lust and admiration. How ridiculous! Oh, sure, you are a professional athlete, and you live in another State, and according to The Beau, you are probably besieged by beautiful women 24 hours per day. Or you might be gay. The hell with him I say! Let’s you and I prove him wrong. Please send me a first-class airline ticket, front-row seats to your next fight, and the key to your hotel room. We’ll show him!!!!!! . . . Failing which, do you happen to have UFC Welterweight Champion Matt Hughes’ phone number?
Hahaha! I kid, I KID!! Can’t wait to make-out with you in the back seat of your new black Camaro.
your most loyal fan,
DK
July 10th, 2006 at 10:54 am
Hahahahaha! Ultimate Fighting HOAR!
July 10th, 2006 at 12:48 pm
Shamrock is a douche. Smack talk is one thing, he’s an ass. I wanted to see Ken lose sooooooo bad, but not like that. You should only call a fight when someone’s ear gets bitten off, his hands are at his sides, or if the card girl takes off her top.
That fight was weak!
July 10th, 2006 at 12:51 pm
I’m switching to Pride Fighting. That’s twice UFC has really sucked.
July 10th, 2006 at 1:01 pm
Hell, if I want to watch two crybabies hit each other I’ll just let Jr and The Captain duke it out instead of stopping them from pummeling each other. I remember the fan letter I wrote to Def Leppard when I was 15; I’m sure whoever they hired to read their fan mail had a riteous laugh over that one.
July 10th, 2006 at 7:16 pm
Now this I would have to see…DK watching UFC!
Hey, I have an idea….why don’t you ask him if you can walk around in a bikini like they do in the boxing matches announcing the rounds?
July 11th, 2006 at 11:48 am
Rik: I agree on almost all counts! The Hughes/Gracie fight was simply sad. The second Ortiz vs. Shamrock fight was a rip-off, especially for those of us suckers who shelled-out for Pay-Per-View. I am convinced that Ortiz would have won anyway, but the ref should not have called it quite so quickly. Last, the Sylvia vs. Arlovsky (sp?) fight was bullcrap! That was a freaken BOXING match all the way. Where were the takedowns, the grappling, the attempted submissions??? Since we are already also PRIDE fans, I won’t be abandoning my UFC boys, but they’d best shape up soon.
July 12th, 2006 at 4:41 pm
Yeah the Gracie fight was weak too. He may not have beaten Hughes, but he would have gone the distance. He wasn’t going to get submitted by Hughes. Did you see that armbar he just sat there and took?
As for my entries; logging on and finding multiples is like the extra cupcake in the Hostess package. “Ooh look at all that. goodie!”