I’d like to announce that the issues I was having with Dell Computers have all been efficiently resolved.

. . .

Yes, I would *like* to make that announcement, but I cannot. Because it would be a lie. [Not that I am averse to lying for the sake of entertainment or gross profit, but that's beside the point.] When we last left our heroine, she was tied to the railroad tracks with a large steaming locomotive bearing the Dell logo chugging towards her at high speed.

Having survived numerous grueling rounds of phone calls to exotic countries, blistering arguments with forked-tongue-speakers, several mental meltdowns, and a lot of tranquilizers [that part is a lie, I just drank a lot], I came to the conclusion that trying to be cooperative was simply not working. For some reason, I am lacking the normal person’s fear of taking on the Evil Corporation in a David-vs-Goliath manner. I decided it was Sue Time. However, I made one last ditch F.U. gesture and pasted my essay into the customer feedback page of Dell’s very own website. Much to my amazement, a Dell employee not only *read* my communication but passed it along to a professional problem-resolver who, in turn, contacted me by email. Now, before I get into the skin and bones of Rounds Two through Twelve, I would like to say that this gentleman was very professional, friendly, helpful, and all-around pleasant. Unfortunately, he also works for Dell. His professional skills would be more useful as oh say, President of the U.S. For the sake of this man’s privacy, I will refer to him henceforth as “Tool”.

Since Tool had foolishly included his phone number in the email he sent me, I, of course, made use of it. I was highly amused to find out that he and his co-workers had, in turn, made use of the handy-dandy URL to this here website. I am quite sure that they were only anxious to discuss my Dell issues because I am a nice person, and not because of my photo galleries. After exchanging the customary unpleasantries, Tool blew me away by offering to ship a brand-new and upgraded system to replace my old one! I was not actually trying to finagle such a great deal but since it was offered it seemed only polite to graciously agree. A week or a month later my new system arrived in a beautiful brown box. I unpacked the new system as carefully as handling a newborn kitten and set about hooking up all of the cables and plugs and thingies. Towards the end of being done I realised that my printer cable was not going to work with the system. I called three local computer stores and was informed that no adapter was available … but that I would “probably be able to find a cable somewhere other than our store”. Not being one to be easily cowed, I went ahead and turned the system on and watched in fascination as the pretty colours bounced around on the monitor. Moments later it was Go Time! . . . until I realised that half of my software was missing. As I was pondering that puzzling dilemma, the PC sputtered out an error message regarding the operating system and asked me to reinstall certain files from the operating system CD. However, when I tried to do so I discovered that I needed a product key from the Certificate of Authenticity . . . which I had not received. Having not learned my lesson the first 18 times, I tried calling for tech support but after only a piddling 6-7 calls and [1] numerous sessions of repeating myself; [2] being told that Dell would send out a technician [Dell's prior refusal to honour my warranty and send out a technician was what started this nightmare!!!]; [3] explaining that I was having problems with the *replacement* system, not the original system, and [4] etc., I gave up and emailed Tool to explain that rather than a working replacement system what he had sent me was a headache in a box.

Tool was again, apologetic and helpful. He suggested starting over and having Dell ship a second replacement system to me, on the double. I am going to give full credit to Dell at this point, because they did, in fact, snap to it and [allegedly] ship me a second replacement system. Unfortunately, they shipped the package to my old address. The story goes that, despite my old townhouse being unoccupied since I moved out in February, despite my not being physically present at my old building, despite my being small and female, and despite my personally being in possession of my identification, a “Mr. Wager” signed for and received the package. Mr. Wager, if you are out there, I sincerely hope that you are enjoying your free computer system and that you are not experiencing the problems that I have been enduring. I almost envy you that you are not covered by any sort of warranty and thus you will miss out on the tremendous experience of dealing with Dell’s technical support staff. However, I do not appreciate being ripped-off by some opportunistic scumbag even if it would have been virtually criminal of you to pass up such a perfect opportunity. That is, assuming that there was ever actually a mis-delivery to start with and not just a stall tactic on the part of Dell. I shall give them the benefit of the doubt on this one.

True to his word, Tool did, in fact, send me yet another replacement system. He very kindly arranged to have the system shipped to him and he personally checked out the software and hardware himself to ensure that all was as it should be. He even shipped the package to me overnight. I am now in possession of an actual working PC.

However, I still do not have a printer cable and I am discovering just how huge of an inconvenience it can be in life when you cannot print. Not only that, but the Microsoft Office Suite [Word, Excel, etc.] — you know, the one that has been factory-installed since the dawn of the personal computer? yes, that one — is not installed on my PC. Despite that every PC I have ever owned came with the Office Suite factory-installed and despite that my original system had the Office Suite. Despite the horrible inferiority of MS-Word [versus WordPerfect], MS-Word has dominated the market for decades simply because it is free and comes with your PC whether you like it or not. Now I am being told by Dell that the Office Suite is NOT a standard freebie factory installation and that it will cost me something like $400 to get it.

I would not think to ask somebody how to copy the Suite from my old PC onto a CD and install it on the new PC . . . and I certainly would never ask anybody to burn an illegal pirate copy and mail it to me.

This entry was posted on Friday, July 28th, 2006 at 7:09 pm and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.