I am thinking about suing somebody. I’m just not sure who it should be. I discovered after I moved to the States that I am actually quite good at suing; despite that I flatly refuse to work in the litigation area of the legal field. Unless I am desperate. Which has happened, but which led to my having just enough knowledge of the suing process to be able to take care of myself. Or at least to be able to bombard former coworkers with questions about legal procedure.

Despite dropping-out of law school, I went on to successfully win several lawsuits all by myself. (As opposed to unsuccessfully winning?) I handled two personal injury lawsuits resulting from car accidents. In both cases I received out-of-court settlements. I also almost-sued a kat litter manufacturer when a 14-lb box of their product broke free from its carrying handle and slammed into my foot resulting in (1) a primal scream, (2) a HUGE goosebump, and (3) a hairline fracture. I say “almost-sued” because they agreed to pay my urgent-care bill without too much whining on either side.

One time I had to sue a former employer. I endured FIVE interviews to get the job. Four of which were utterly pointless. The company finally made me an offer that was $2,000 under the minimum salary I was requesting. My prospective-boss told me that he would personally make up the difference as he really wanted me to work for the company. They fired me ten days into the job for reasons which (for once) were not actually my fault. The then-ex-boss refused to ante-up the balance of my wages. So, I sued him for less than $200 and the jerk insisted on trying to fight me in court. I knew I would win before we even started, but I could tell from the look on the judge’s face exactly which comment from my opponent solidified the decision. It was when my ex-boss said, with a perfectly straight face: “That extra pay was intended for duties above and beyond the scope of the job!” Which is not quite what he meant. I think.

About three years ago, I had to drop a suit on a shaver manufacturer. The idiots launched a brand-new super-macho four-bladed facial-lawnmower . . . and included a free sample of it in a package of *sensitive skin* shavers . . . with no printed warning on the package!!!! Not to get too graphic, but, the uber-shaver removed a couple of layers of skin from a very delicate area of my body and left me raw and bleeding. Which resulted in infected hair follicles, several painful trips to the ob/gyn, and multiple doses of antibiotics. I wrote to the manufacturer merely requesting reimbursement of my copays. They ignored me. Twice. So I dropped suit and included a request for damages for “loss of enjoyment of life”. If you know what I mean . . . *wink*. . . . Not that I was actually *in* a relationship at the time. But still, it was the principle that counted. As I pointed out to opposing counsel, depriving a woman like me of the potential use of her goldmine is downright criminal! Needless to say, we settled out of court and they wound up paying me ten times what I had originally and quite politely requested. As it happens, they also manufacture my favourite C-batteries. Sadly, I executed a document agreeing never to sue the company again; which means I cannot hold them responsible if their batteries fail to perform to my satisfaction.

Which brings me to the current situation. There is a large soda machine in the kitchen at work that dispenses frosty-cold sodas free of charge! The problem with these machines is that they hurtle said sodas into the exit tray at a speed rivaling that of shooting a midget out of a cannon. Which causes the soda to be VERY explosive if you open it right away — and what person does *not* want to enjoy their frosty beverage as soon as it is in their hot, sticky little mitt?

My dilemma is this: Should I sue the office building for merely *having* the machine where I have access to it? Or should I sue the maker of the machine for manufacturing such a potentially dangerous piece of equipment? Could I sue the soda manufacturer simply for producing the beverage? . . . Perhaps I could try opening the soda really close to my face so that the blast of icy-cold liquid temporarily blinds me in one eye. After all, a woman once sued McDonald’s because she was too stupid NOT to drive with a cup of scalding coffee in her lap.

This entry was posted on Friday, September 1st, 2006 at 12:47 pm and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.