Death Penalty
Dear Cockroach,
As you may have noticed, moments before I used a metal spatula to mercilessly bludgeon you into a dismembered, sticky mess, my living room is quite spacious. I suspect that your little cockroach buddies probably put you up for a bit of a fun lark, all the while telling you it would be hilariously funny. In the last few moments of your life, I am sure that hindsight told you otherwise. While you can indeed scuttle quite quickly, you do not have the speed of an infuriated petite human female who has just been brutally molested. Apparently, you also underestimated the strength with which such a panic-stricken female can overturn a loveseat in order to hunt down your vile presence. I understand that my house has something of a reputation as being a safe haven for your species. My elite crack team of stealth felines will, after all, allow you to swagger through here inviolate. Their contribution to your demise generally consists of tossing their human withering looks that clearly convey the message “Well, don’t just sit there, Oh Litter Box Scooper, DO something!”
I have learned from experience that cowering on the furniture while desperately exhorting the kats to “Please, kill it!! EAT IT!!!!!” will gain me nothing more than a look that says “You want me to put WHAT in my mouth????” Having a human male on the premises on occasion has also resulted in some rather unimpressively embarrassing results. So, yes, I have been forced to learn how to fend for myself in these situations. You see, I keep the aforementioned metal spatula on the premises for the very same reason that I keep a Glock .40 calibre — to discourage and exterminate uninvited guests.
It’s downright embarrassing that humankind persists in believing itself to be the dominant species on this planet. In reality, we fall somewhere after viruses, sharks, cockroaches, and telemarketers in terms of survival of the fittest.
So, I ask again, in light of the spaciousness of my living room, was it *really* bloody necessary to run across my foot?
Current Mood: 
violently happy
August 4th, 2005 at 1:42 pm
(Comments copied over from LiveJournal):
lawless1
2005-07-22 19:33 (from 68.115.177.8)
I detest bugs in my house. They can live peacefully in my yard but the second anything with more than 4 legs enters my house it’s open season. I am Clint fucking Eastwood with a can of Raid. My cat is quite useful as I’ve found headless, chewed up body bits in my front yard at times.
Such a good kitty.
danjeruskurves
2005-07-22 20:20 (from 205.188.116.68)
My kitties are all indoor pets so they only get to murder dust bunnies.
freefall74 (Rik)
2005-07-22 20:20 (from 208.8.110.194)
It ran across your foot? I’m not squimish, but still, that’s pretty disgusting. I have lots of spiders that come in the house all the time. Too many bushes in the yard. I’m going to have to get a snake. Or what else eats spiders?
danjeruskurves
2005-07-22 20:24 (from 205.188.116.68)Let me tell you what (also) does *not* eat spiders: my kats. Now, having been referred to as a Black Widow a time or five, I will admit to having swallowed a snake or two.
Nightmare
2005-07-22 23:09 (from 68.102.206.11)
A Glock .40! Noce choice, my old roomie who is a deputy out in CA carriesthe same sidearm. Decent gun, you should also try out Taurus’s lady .45, it is the same 8 shot as the military issuse but built on a smaller frame for smaller hands it really is nice.
danjeruskurves
2005-07-23 17:09 (from 64.12.116.69)
Well, see, I have *really* big hands for a woman of any size, let alone my petite stature. I’m overall small-boned but my hand bones are huge, not so much the palm size, but my fingers are as long if not longer than most men of any height. Elegant but makes me feel like an orangutan at times! Seriously, I wear a size 7 ring! Anyway, I started out with a Taurus .22 … traded that in for a .357 magnum on my instructor’s advice after I used one for the first time and joined 4 holes on the target. Traded that with an Austin (TX) cop for his 9mm Sig Sauer. Got rid of that due to a psychotic housemate and eventually replaced it with the Glock. I might check out that .45 at some point though. I *really* need to get some target practice, I am WAY out of practice. Any volunteers to be my target? It’s just not the same shooting at a stationary piece of paper or beer can.
Nightmare
2005-07-25 13:53 (from 208.32.1.1)
It is a honey of a gun, I thought about stealing it but then she might have kicked my ass. I have a taurus .357 the great big fucker, built on the 44 frame, 8 shot I’m putting a scope on it so I can kill deer and other things that piss me off.