I’d like to thank a chef-friend for the excellent recipe I received in response to the email I sent along the lines of “Got any good [and by “good” I mean “so simple even *I* can’t screw it up”] recipes for crab cakes?”

I made a few substitutions based on what is in my pantry/fridge … [read: not much]. I used four Alaskan King Crab legs [if you flirt with the Mexican guy at the supermarket he gives you BIG legs, even if he doesn’t understand what you are saying until you pull up your skirt]; steamed the crab legs for 8 minutes, then shredded the meat [can you say “meat” when you are talking about seafood?] away from the shell and rubbery skin [which took FOREVER; if I must prepare my own food then I insist it does not come encased in nature’s condom]. Then I mixed: 1-lb. [more or less] shredded crab, 1/2 cup breadcrumbs [smashed from various unnamed sources by Yours Truly], tsp of lemon pepper, tsp of oregano [yes, it was dried, shut up], a reasonable amount of minced garlic [”reasonable” depends on how much wine/vodka you have consumed by then], some parsley [I’m getting really good on the guesstimating], two tbsps. mayonnaise [ha!], a dash [or 3?] of lemon juice … threw on some latex gloves [cuz you know I can’t stand to get stuff on my hands] and mixed it all together in a purty plastic bowl … then divided the mix into half and half again and [I lost track at this point, cuz areth … arith … aritha … number-stuff is not my strong point] … made patty-cakes [four, I think, which doesn’t seem like much for all that gookie stuff but they are Texass-sized, as in not wussy, although next time, if there is a next time, I will make fewer and smaller ones] … sprinkled some Crispy Onions©®™ on top, and now they are lounging in the refridgerator on a sheet of wax paper [a few sheets of which I stole from somebody’s kitchen] and “setting” [meaning: “waiting until I sober up enough to actually (a) attempt to sauté them, or (b) attempt to bag and freeze them”]. I will probably melt a little mild cheese on top. Of the crab cakes, that is. Et voila! . . . wish me luck. Oh, and if you don’t hear from me within 24 hours, please call the paramedics.

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DISCLAIMER: Please do NOT attempt this at home. Or anywhere else. And do NOT, under any circumstances, compare me to a REAL chef … or anybody else who can actually COOK.

This entry was posted on Wednesday, January 31st, 2007 at 10:52 am and is filed under Humour. You can follow any responses to this entry through the RSS 2.0 feed. Both comments and pings are currently closed.