Hoisted By My Own Petard
It is possible I may have caught the attention of Eris, the mischievous Goddess of Chaos, when I wrote my article regarding Handy Driving Signals. The other day while I was out running errands, I pulled into a two-lane exit driveway only to realise that I had forgotten one more errand and I needed to make a left turn and not a right turn. The light was red and there were already two cars in the left-turn lane, so I started to reverse in order to tuck in behind them. Now, anybody who has lived in, or visited, Texass knows for a fact that we have the longest stinking traffic light cycles of anywhere in the world; it is not in the least uncommon to sit at a light for 2-3 minutes. As I began my reverse drive, I saw a woman driver approaching in my rearview mirror. She was a good 100-yards away but when she saw me backing-up, she fucking ACCELERATED to get to the light before me!!!!!!! Which left me stranded in an awkward diagonal position blocking the right-turn lane and pointed at the two-inch gap that she left in front of her vehicle. Obviously, somebody needs to come up with a Handy Driving Signal that works on female drivers.
We had to sit there at the light for a full TWO MINUTES while the old hag plastered on lipstick [that did nothing to take 20 years off her appearance] and generally buggered around doing anything but looking in my direction. Unfortunately, due to my position, I had to wrench my neck around at a painful angle in order to glare at her — which really takes the venom out of the Fuck You Glare. It also gave me a vicious neck crick for three full days. I sat there and fumed for a good ninety seconds while contemplating whether to get out of my car to yell through her closed window; whether to drop my drawers and moon her; whether to follow her home to let her prize poodle, Snooty von Hauté Bajina, into the neighbour’s garden to breed with their mongrel; whether to spray-paint her house since I would be there anyway [problem: no spray paint on me]; whether to act like a crazed paparazzi and snap photos of her with my cellphone; whether to bash in her car with a bat [note to self: must purchase or shoplift a bat . . . or perhaps some of that incredibly irritating silly-string stuff].
Instead, I started laughing at my own reaction to a situation over which I had no control . . . but, over which I could wreak revenge. So, I stuck my website card under the selfish cow’s windshield wiper with a note thanking her for the excellent comedic material.
… Cheers, you old battle-axe!~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
April 4th, 2007 at 12:53 pm
old hag…
April 4th, 2007 at 2:04 pm
Good, that means she’s reading the site, so I’ll say this to her:
Instead of downloading the 48th ringtone on your pink Razr, find something substantive to occupy your life so that you’re too busy and thus too secure with yourself to bother with looking for and seizing every morsel of opportunity to stick it to someone else.
You are so fixated on insignificant crap that you miss the big picture….you are probably lined up in front of Best Buy at 4am the Friday after Thanksgiving, along with 500 others waiting to buy the 25 DVD players they have on sale for $19 and then shit your TJ Maxx designer label panties when somone cuts in line in front of you for the same DVD unit that neither of you will get.
You’ll never see the $20 bill your out of work boyfriend took from your purse when he was nuking your ‘tang in that men’s room at Stuckey’s on I-35, so let it go and try to move on with your life in a positive direction for once.
April 4th, 2007 at 2:41 pm
Some people just don’t have the brains God gave a goat. Old hag, indeed.
April 4th, 2007 at 3:10 pm
SMILE!!!
You’re on candid-blogger!!
Boring, attention-deprived people find their only joy in bothering others.
What a bunch of babies…
April 5th, 2007 at 12:06 am
You have cards for your website. That’s so weird.
April 5th, 2007 at 9:07 am
LoL, not enough people use the word “petard” anymore.
April 5th, 2007 at 11:25 am
Cole: you are absolutely right, that IS weird (to somebody from the backwoods) … but it’s a damn sight more convenient than writing out my URL on soggy napkins every time somebody says “I’ve heard of your website, what’s the address?”
April 5th, 2007 at 8:08 pm
what a bitch…you handled it well. I will admit I used the small penis hand gesture the other day. It felt good!
April 9th, 2007 at 1:53 am
I don’t think having cards for your website is weird, I think it’s fucking BRILLIANT! Thanks for the fantastic idea!
“Snooty von Hauté Bajina”
April 9th, 2007 at 1:53 am
Whoops. My message got cut off:
“Snooty von Hauté Bajina” — That made me pee myself a little.
April 9th, 2007 at 1:56 am
P.S. - How long have you had the pretty, scrolly font on the picture at the top of your page? I *heart* it!
April 9th, 2007 at 10:00 am
Temmah: Agreed, having a website card saves me from having to write-out my URL over and over again while repeating “Right, it’s phonetic … and that’s a J”. Thanks for noticing my pretty new scrolly font which went up last week. That was a joint effort by Khanada (of James Purefoy website fame) and John (of Hardlight Media)!!