Rush and Rue-lette
September 21st, 2008Dear Upstairs Neighbour,
Hullo there! I hope this finds you well and that your nerves are not quite as fried as mine are after the recent “bad weather” and resulting “lack of air-conditioning” for nine days straight in 9th Circle of Hell Heat. You may have noticed that the cretinous landscapers have been by to chop down broken trees and scattered branches . . . and in the process they stacked said firewood in a 10ft wide by 5ft high bonfire in front of my windows. Which, unfortunately, also blocked the slightest chance of a breeze entering my apartment! Oh, those whacky illegal immigrants landscapers!
Do you recall the night after the piddling little hurricane how I very politely asked you not to keep tossing your cigarette dog-ends down onto my patio? How I offered to bring you something that would “pass as an ashtray”? How I might have mentioned that my front garden is not your personal dumping ground? After nine days without air-conditioning, violently puking from heat-stroke, a bloated torso from dehydration, a week’s worth of sleep deprivation, and constant promises of moments-away repairs from the lying leasing office, I must admit that I am a tad bit cantankerous! Ha! silly me, fancy allowing gut-wrenching misery to get to me!
I was wondering, being as we are, in fact, neighbours and all, if you would care to join me in a game of “Your Turn/My Turn”? Here’s how it goes:
| Your Turn: | You have there in your hand a packet of cigarettes. In and of itself it is quite harmless. |
| My Turn: | I have here in the palm of my hand a 40-calibre bullet. In and of itself it is quite harmless. |
| Your Turn: | You remove a cigarette from the packet. Again, still harmless. |
| My Turn: | I now place the bullet into a clip. Again, still harmless. |
| Your Turn: | You light your cigarette and take a long, slow inhale. Still harmless at this point. |
| My Turn: | I slide the loaded clip into my Glock. Still harmless at this point. |
| Your Turn: | You enjoy your cigarette down to its last fraction of an inch. Why shouldn’t you, there is no law against inhaling a carcinogen! There is, however, a law that entitles Americans to bear arms [even those of us with dual nationality!]. But I digress, kindly enjoy your cancer stick. |
| My Turn: | I rack and chamber a load. Have I mentioned that I am a very good shot? In years past, I out-shot both my gun safety instructor and a Texas cop I used to date. No big deal, women are generally more accurate shooters anyway because of something to do with slower metabolism. Your turn. |
| Your Turn: | You have a choice. You can extinguish your cigarette in an ashtray or, better yet, a fire-safe receptacle that will also quash any sparks. Or, you can toss your dog-end off your balcony and quite potentially have it land on or near the large pile of bone-dry firewood that is stacked up against my windows. Assuming you |
| My Turn: | I have a choice. I am now pointing a loaded weapon at your chest. A weapon which in some peoples’ opinions is the “cause of death”. However, unless I choose to pull the trigger, then the weapon remains harmless. It is strictly MY choice as to what to do next. |
Your Turn.
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